Alone Then...Alone Now

I was married for almost 10 years.  I was alone most of those years.  I was alone because my husband was a restaurant owner and spent a lot of time at his work.  (Or, that was what I was told.)  Anywho... I was alone for majority of my marriage.  There were many vacations, holidays, family outings (I could go on and on) that I was by myself.  At the time, I thought I was being a supportive wife allowing my husband to take care of us by making the connections to make his business grow.

As a result of this, I became the type of woman that felt I could do it all on my own.  I didn't NEED him, I was lucky to have him, is what I thought.  I didn't have to rush home to be with anyone.  I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased.  If I wanted to go to the gym when I was done with work, he wouldn't be home, so there was no need to check in with him.  I just went.  I did what I wanted when I wanted.  As you can see, it wasn't really a marriage in the sense of spending life together.

Going through the divorce was sad.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.  I hate failing, but I also knew it was the best thing for Emily and myself.  I'm also the type of person that once I make my mind up about something, I'm full steam ahead and don't look back.  I was sad, I was alone, but it wasn't any different for me.  I was alone all the time.  In all honesty, the divorce was very refreshing and liberating.  I spent my entire marriage catering to everything my husband wanted.  He wanted to open a new business, that's what we did.  I sacrificed a lot in the name of my marriage.  After I learned nothing I knew was real or what I thought it was, getting divorced was renewing in the sense that I could start living my life for what I wanted and I could rebuild.

When Steve and I started dating, it was hard for me to get used to the fact that I was with someone who really wanted to be with me.  He wanted to open doors for me.  He would get so mad at me that I would always open a door to a building or my car door.  It took many discussions of him telling him that it wasn't that I didn't appreciate what he was doing, it was just that I'd never had that and it didn't even cross my mind that a guy would WANT to do that for me.  There were many times that I said, I have to run here or there and Steve would ask, "do you want me to come?"  That blew my mind.  He WANTED to go to the store with me.  He WANTED to spend time with me.  He WANTED to take care of me.  It was so weird to me.

Weird, yes, but I got used to it.  I finally had a partner in life.  Someone who wanted to be with me.  He would suffer through runs with me outside, while I would fumble my way through learning how to ride the trails at Stony (something I am still learning.)

The other day, Steve and I were texting during the morning, but then my afternoon was crazy.  I had an IEP with parents, then I had to rush my kids out for recess and then I rushed to a staff meeting that went 20 minutes past.  By the time I left, I had to rush to get Emily and then had grocery shopping and dinner to make.  It was a stressful day to say the least.  When I got to the car, I noticed I had 3 missed FaceTime calls, a few texts and an email.  He was worried about me.  He hadn't heard from me.  He's across an ocean from me and he wanted to know I was okay.  We had a few heated texts back and forth, but in the end, he simply said, "Call when you get home.  I want to see your face before I go to bed."

Some people may think this is ridiculous and appalled that we are so close, but I find it endearing and I really feel like I'm with someone who loves both Emily and me more than I ever dreamed, he worries about us and he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

As weird as it is, Steve and I have only been together for a year and a half, but this separation is much harder for me.  Maybe it's because I know that he is the person I'm meant to be with and truly my other half. I'm not sure, but I also know that this distance will help us and make us stronger.  Being alone now is harder than it ever was, but it will make us both so appreciative and grateful for the time we have together when he gets home!