Anxious

So I've been pretty laid back and not so spazzy since Steve and I started dating. It was weird when I was with Jesse I was always so worried about timing of everything and wore a watch all the time and just was always on edge. Ironically enough after I filed and Steve and I started dating, my watch broke and I never replaced. Life has been so refreshing and easy with Steve. But lately I feel like wedding planning is turning me into a lunatic. I mean a real crazy ass. 

Steve and I both agree that we want to keep it smaller and we don't want to spend a fortune to have a wedding. It's a day and we would like to buy a house with new furniture.  We're trying to be responsible and realize it's not worth it in the long run. I was really hoping for a destination wedding. I thought it would be the cheapest option but it's not looking that way. 

I had a meltdown yesterday and after we hung up, I really tried to soul search about why I was so upset. I want some aspects of a traditional wedding. Some aspects, I couldn't care less!  I want my dress. I found it, I love it, I want to look beautiful for Steve. I want a first dance for he and I, Emily and Steve and for us as a family. I want family and friends there. But I struggle with that because my dad is one of 12. We have a huge family. Can I just invite cousins that I talk to?  Is that rude?  My younger cousin got married last summer and I don't think he invited too many cousins, or aunts and uncles for that matter, but I don't know if or how to do that?  That causes me a lot of anxiety. 

Steve and I tabled wedding talk for the day yesterday and I apologized and really need to work on letting it go and not feeling pressure of everyone else's idea of what we need to do and figure out what works for Steve and me!  I think a lot of things are playing into my stress. I'm really missing him a lot. It's hard to plan a wedding with your fiancé on the other side of the world. I'm excited but nervous for our trip next week. I just want him home. I've got to refocus everything and stop and breathe. It'll all work out. In the end all that matters is Steve, Emily and I becoming a family. How it happens is just a minor detail. 

How Ironic

This blog was originally started as a place for me to vent about life as an infertile woman.  It helped me through such hard, lonely, sad times.  It obviously evolved as my life changed.  I have experienced many changes over the past 3 years.  Highs and lows.  But nothing in the world could prepare me for how I changed with my outlook on family and love.

For many years, I believed that nothing would complete me other than being a Mom.  When I was married to Jesse, I couldn't imagine living my life not being a Mom.  Thank God for that because I wouldn't have Emily without my drive and determination to become a Mom.  For a LONG time, I dealt with the grief of never being a pregnant Mommy.  I came to realize that becoming a Mommy was more important than growing a baby, but there is always this deep down longing to be pregnant and have a baby that way.

That was before.  That was before I had everything in life I could ever want.  I truly feel that when I was married to Jesse I was always searching to fill some void.  Even though I never realized it then, something was missing.  That was before.

Today, I have everything I could ever want.  I have my baby girl that I could not imagine my life without.  I have a job that I love and allows me to do what I enjoy and be able to be home certain times of the year.  I now have the love of my life.  I really know that I am with the man who I was made for.  I have everything I've ever wanted with him.  I have a man who loves me and adores me, at my best and at my worst.  He loves my daughter as much as I do.  He has a job that helps provide for us.  We enjoy doing things together; things I love, things he loves, things we love.  He worries about us, he takes care of us and he makes me want to be a better "wife", mom, teacher and person.  We have a healthy, loving, giving relationship that just works.  It doesn't take a lot of work to be with someone that I've cared about for so many years, it's just a natural love.

The weirdest and most beautiful thing about this relationship is I don't need anything more.  I have all I have ever wanted.  I can't wait to marry him and become a family with the three of us.  Over the past few months, I've come to realize that I'm so content, but not in a bad way.  I'm happy where my life is.  We have it all.  We have our family, we have each other, we have our time as a family and our time alone.  We talked about future children and both of us are open to it, but both of us also believe we have all we ever need or want with what we have.

That feels so weird for me to type.  I'm not saying if we were to have a baby I wouldn't be happy, but I don't NEED a baby.  It feels so weird for me, but it's truly how I feel.  I, for the first time in my life, am not wanting more than what I have today.  I have it all.  I really do and I just feel so blessed.  Life is good.