So, hopefully I can get you to my current place in this post, but a LOT happened... I'll try. The next few days were miserable. I was a staple at my counselor. Jesse went with me the first 2 times, but I went on Friday by myself. I think I was in shock. I don't think my mind would let me deal with it. Throughout it all, I leaned HEAVILY on my faith. I don't know how I would've made it without my faith in God. I couldn't tell my family or close friends what had happened. My fear was if, by the grace of God, we made it through, I couldn't let my family and friends know the whole truth. They'd never forgive him. (That should've been my first sign! Duh!)
Jesse was supposedly not talking to Sarah and we were "trying" to make it work. Then one day, I came home from work and Sarah's number was on the caller id at the house. I remember Jesse saying he had to leave early that day and then my mind went crazy. I think I may have called her back to see if she'd answer, but she didn't. I knew what happened at that moment. She forgot Jesse had to leave early, he wasn't there to delete the number, I found it! Busted! I called him. Of course he had NO IDEA why she was calling. He ended it for sure. My friends at school always tease me that I'm "Nancy Drew" and in that moment, Nancy Drew kicked in. I started looking up cell phone records and house phone records. I was mortified. He hadn't stopped talking to her. The day I found out and was having a nervous breakdown on our kitchen floor, yeah? Remember that? He called her right after I walked out the door and was talking to her throughout the day. The night he broke it off with her and I kicked him out, who did he call right after, you got it! Miss Sarah! Then, the day that I begged him to go to church with me to try and get things figured out and I went to the park...He talked to her all day. It wasn't stopping. It was in high gear. I wanted to throw up! How could he do this?
My friends are the best and they had offered to follow him one night. I thought they were crazy, but after this, I needed some proof! (As if I didn't have enough already, but I was seriously in shock and terrified of losing Emily!) So the following Tuesday, an exact week after he "ended" things with Sarah and I kicked him out, my friends camped out at his pizzeria. (I don't know if I mentioned already, but she worked at the Fantastic Sam's two doors down from his pizzeria.)
The stakeout began. At about 8pm, I got the first call...a blue car just pulled into the parking lot and a little blonde got out. Ugh! Gut punch one! Then they called a little later to tell me that they were leaning over the counter, they weren't sure, but it looked like they kissed. Ugh! Right in the gut again. Then, finally, they got brave. Sarah and Jesse moved to the back of the store, so my friends couldn't see anything, so they drove around back to see if they could see anymore. Oh, did they? Jesse was sitting on the counter right by the back door, that was wide open, and Sarah was in between his legs cuddling. I was hysterical! What the hell do I do? I packed up Emily and got in my car. Just as I was pulling out, my friend came over.
I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to leave with Emily because I was afraid that I would get something on me for leaving, but I didn't know what to do. I was shaking. I was crying. My life was over. I was beginning to realize that there was no fixing this. I kept thinking, I can't get divorced. God HATES divorces. But I just kept praying for God to reveal it to me. Help me to see what I need to see and give me the answers. I couldn't do this alone! I also realized that I needed my family on my side. I needed support. I didn't tell Jesse what I found out. I planned on dropping the bomb on him at our next counseling session the next day. It was hard. I wanted to kill him, but I also knew that I was dealing with a sociopath or a well trained liar and anything I said alone, he would twist. I needed to tell him with my counselor there. I also told my parents what was going on. They were heartbroken and PISSED!
So, Wednesday came along. My next counseling session. As we sat there, I threw the copies of the phone records at him and told him I knew he was still seeing her. I'll never forget the look on my counselors face. He was glaring at him. I bet he was thinking, "you digusting man. How could you sit here for 3 years and lie to me?!" I knew my counselor was disappointed, pissed and sad. After I told him I was done and there was no going back. (At our session the week before, I told him, if there was anything else, he had to tell me then. I couldn't take anything more after that date.) We were done. I said it, I meant it, but I still couldn't accept it or believe it! Jesse left the session before it was over. I don't remember much. I just remember crying. And boy, did I cry!
I was hurt, I was pissed, but I still couldn't accept that my marriage, my entire relationship, was a lie! We were stronger than this. I still believed we could overcome it. I think I kept hanging to that because I was so scared of losing Emily. We still had 2 more house visits and 4 more months of fooling the caseworkers. How could I do that? I knew if I lost Emily, I would lose myself. But, I just clung to God! He was the only consistent thing I could rely on. Friends and family were supportive, but they were hurt and shocked and I still hadn't told my oldest, closest friends. My high school crew, because I knew once I did that, it would be over. There would be NO going back.
So fast forward to Friday night. I begged and by begged, I mean downright crying and begging and pleading for Jesse to come home. I wanted so desperately to make this stupid marriage work. I couldn't accept that divorce was in my future.
That night when he was leaving work at 10, I asked him where he was staying that night. He kept telling me that he was either staying at his Mom's or his sister's. He said he didn't know, but he was running to Quiznos to get dinner. Then he asked me when I was leaving in the morning. I had an early counselor appointment and my friend Cindy was watching Emily. I thought it was weird, but I was exhausted. This was one hell of a week.
I didn't think much more of what he said until the morning, then Nancy Drew kicked in again. I began to think...hmm, he was going to Quiznos, the opposite direction of his sister and parent's houses. He asked when I was leaving. My friend and counselor were in Rochester...(I may have forgotten to mention. The night my friends followed Jesse, they followed Sarah home. Guess where she lives? Are you putting this together? Yep, Rochester!) That's when I knew. I called my friend who followed Sarah and told her that she had to direct me to Sarah's apartment. He was there. I knew it! How did he not know where he was staying at 10pm? He wanted to know when I was leaving so I didn't accidentally spot him driving around Rochester. He drove a red, convertible Mustang...not the most inconspicuous car! She asked me if I was sure, and I said more than anything. I knew what I was going to find, but I had to start seeing it to believe it. I was sick to my stomach. I KNEW what I was going to find! I knew it!
She directed me. She told me to turn in and take this long road down. She said Sarah parked in the last parking lot. I drove slowly. I saw Sarah's car. Then I remember saying, "He's here! Heather, his %$^&#@ car is here! He's here!" She was mortified. I think I hung up on her. I drove around and took a picture of his car and then her car. I was shaking. I called him. He didn't answer. I was seeing red. I drove around again and that's when I saw him. He was doing the walk of shame walking out of her apartment. I got out of the car. I ran at him, raging. I began hitting his chest and sobbing. Some lady was walking her dog and I remember shouting, "This is my husband! He's leaving his LOVER's house!!"
He wouldn't talk to me. He just got in his car. I drove like an asshole. I cut him off. He asked me to stop and meet him at the corner. We drove to the corner and I parked. He got in my car. I asked him what the hell he had to say for himself now. He started talking and I smacked him as hard as I could in the mouth! F-ing liar. Like I'd believe anything he said. He told me some bs reason that they were just "hanging out!" Yeah, I'm sure YOU were just "hanging out", you sick freak! I didn't listen to anything. I don't know why I talked to him. I went to my counselor appointment. We were both mortified. He told me that I can't hit him ever again and I didn't. He said Jesse could make a case against me. I told him I was so lost and didn't know what to do, but I would never touch him again. He wasn't worth me losing Emily. Talk about devastated. But, God kept revealing what I needed to see. I called my parents. I went over there. I made a doctors appointment because my counselor recommended maybe, I get on something to deal with my nerves. I just cried. I cried a lot. I knew I couldn't go back now. I was devastated. I also knew that I had to tell my friends. I needed their support. I couldn't get through this alone. I sent a text message. I couldn't call each of them. Tony, my bud from high school, called me first. I remember him telling me it'd be ok. That I was strong. He asked me who I told. I told him I told all the girls and him and Steve. His next line will forever be burned in my memory, he said, "Shell, Steve will take care of you."
Everything was over, but I had heard at church that the focus on Easter was a woman finding out that her husband was cheating on her and her hope through dealing with it. Um...do you THINK God was talking to me? Easter was my last hope. I was afraid to go forward with divorce proceedings, I couldn't lose Emily. So, I held on to the hope of Easter. Easter was my last hope. We went to church that morning together, the first time in MONTHS! He held my hand. I cried through the whole service. It was made for us. In the story, the woman works it out with their husband and the story ended with them going out to dinner for their 25th wedding anniversary. See, maybe God was telling me that we could work this out. Things can get better. We got in the car and I asked him what he thought. I was expecting something like, "I'm sorry. That must've been hard. I'm an idiot. I love you." Anything like that? Nope. The answer I got was, "that was just one side of the story!" POP! My hope went down the toilet. It was over. Time to move on. I don't know how, but I managed to spend the day with HIS family on Easter. My parents were out of town and none of my extended family knew what was going on. I couldn't be around my family. I, soon realized that his family didn't know either. And, even though I already knew, he wasn't staying with his family all that much. When I was getting ready to leave, his mom asked him if he wanted to take his big Reese egg home?! He hadn't been home in a month!!
That spring break, I went to lawyers. Not really sure what I was going to do. My friend found him at Sarah's one more time during the day. I kept clinging to God and my friends for support! I was talking to my friend, Steve, a lot. He kept me distracted from my craziness.
Mother's Day was hard. The night before, Emily and I went out to dinner with my Mom's whole side. I told them at the end that Jesse and I were getting divorced. I decided to share Emily with his mom since it was her first year as a Grandmother. I wanted Jesse to share Emily with my dad on his first father's day, so I thought it was fair. I dropped her off and just sobbed. I spent the day with a friend.
Finally at the end of May, I went away on a retreat with church. It was a women's retreat. I went to get away, but what I came back with was confidence. I left the retreat knowing in my heart that I couldn't stay married. God was revealing to me that it was unhealthy for both Emily and myself. I had to get out. That didn't mean that I was a bad "Christian." I had to do what I needed to do to protect myself. I had to get out. I filed for divorce the next week, June 7, 2012.
I did speak to the adoption worker before our home visit in April. I told her, without telling her details, that Jesse and I were not doing well. It had NOTHING to do with Emily, but we were struggling and were on the brink of divorce. She said the only way Emily would ever be taken from us would be if she was in harm, or one of us were in harm. So, I could divorce him without the fear of losing my baby girl. Things were starting to look up!
