Feeling Blue

I am feeling very lost in my friendships with my friends.  I have spent so much time over the past year working on all that was going on and dealing with my issues, I feel my friendships have suffered.

I used to be so close to all my friends.  I had circles of friends that were high school friends, work friends, church friends and now I just feel so disconnected.

Steve and I were talking about when we get married who we'd have stand up.  Other than my sister and a couple cousins, I really don't have anyone that I feel super close to anymore.  It makes me sad.  I don't feel like I have the friendships I once had.  Some of it is due to growing apart, some of it is due to differences, some of it is due to stupid things...It just sucks.  I miss having someone I can pick up the phone and just talk with. I'm having problems with Emily behaving.  She keeps throwing things and whines whenever she wants something.  I'm working so hard to try to rear her with good Christian values.

Other than Steve and my family, I just feel so alone lately.  Sorry to be such a downer, just feeling blue...

Never Again

On Father's Day, I was talking with my dad about my wedding ring.  I gave it to him to hold on to until I was able to sell it.  A few days before Father's Day, I realized giving my ring to my forgetful Dad was probably not the best choice.  We were talking about it at lunch.  As we were talking, I said, "Next time I'll know not to give you my ring."

Steve heard that and said, "There will never be a next time."  I just continued on and we all finished lunch.  Later, on the way back, I brought it up again and asked him what he meant.  He said that he can't wait to marry me and when he does, there will never be a divorce!

I know that what happened between Steve and I happened rather quickly, but we have known each other forever.  We have been friends for a long time and I love him so much.  I don't know what or when things will happen for Steve and me, but I am so happy.

I feel so content with my life.  I have my baby girl.  I have a relationship I have always dreamed of.  I'm okay with whatever life throws my way.  I told Steve that I love him and I just want to be with him.  I would love more children, but I don't NEED more children.  I want to marry him, but I don't NEED to rush things.  Timelines used to be a HUGE thing with Jesse and me.  I was always hung up on WHEN things would happen and I thought I needed them to happen in my time.  It's so refreshing to be in a relationship that I am just so happy and at peace with where we are.

What Do I Say?

Steve and I have been friends for many years.  I never expected that this would be what would become of my life.  I never wanted to be a divorcee, (is that even a real "title?)  I never wanted to be a single mom, I never would have picked any of that out for my life.  But what I do know is that Steve and I have something really special.  He is my best friend.  We enjoy doing things together.  The other day, we took Emily for our first ride in her Burley trailer on the bikes.  I almost started crying when we went for our ride.  Watching him pull her behind him and me following behind, now THAT was always what I had dreamed of.  Being a family.

When Steve and I first started dating, my first concern was for Emily, obviously.  Steve had never been married.  He never even talked about having kids.  I didn't think it would work because of that.  He has surprised me in many ways.  He is such an amazing support with Emily.  Watching her with him, makes my heart melt.  She loves him.  I love watching her giggle as she climbs on him like a jungle gym or when she's sleepy and cuddles up in his arms.

I'm pretty sure this relationship is going somewhere for the long haul.  We talk about being married all the time.  We both have some hurdles to get through before that can happen.  With that said, the other day, he shocked me to my core and I don't know how to respond.  The other night he called to say good night.  He was hanging out with his buddy.  A little into the conversation, he started talking about Emily and how much he loves her and how much it stinks that he is with her a lot more than Jesse, but he will get the title of "Dad" and all he'll ever be is "Steve."  I didn't know what to say, but I explained that he is her dad and that I know it's hard, but he's important to her.  I reassured him that she loves him and that when she starts talking she can call him whatever she would like.

I told him that I could see when we get married asking Jesse's permission to have her call him Dad or Daddy Steve, but until then, I don't really think it's appropriate.  He got a little mad.  I really didn't know what to say.  It was kind of a double edge sword.  On one hand I was happy he care, but on the other, I really can't have her call him Dad until we're married.

He's brought it up again and I just said she loves you and when we're engaged, we can talk about it.  I don't know what to do or what to say.  Does anyone have any advice??