So Much To Say...

Christmas Eve is here today and I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted.  Not because I don't have anything to say, but probably a little bit of fear.  So much has changed in my life and I'm a little afraid to be happy with it.  I keep doubting myself.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I mean, true happiness can't be mine, can it?

I think about all I've come through and all I've overcome and I still doubt myself.  I don't doubt myself in the area of making the right or wrong choice anymore.  I know leaving my dysfunctional marriage was the best thing for me...and Emily, but I doubt myself in other ways.

I doubt myself in my career.  Can I really keep doing this job?  Is this really the career God wants me to do?  There must be something better for me.

I doubt myself as a mother. Emily has her moments when she tests me or can be a top notch brat and I wonder am I really doing a good job?  Is she going to be a good girl?  Will she grow up to love God?  Am I showing her the "right" way?

I doubt myself in my relationship.  Does Steve really love me?  Can this be real to be this happy and natural with someone?  Will he leave me too?

I don't really have an answer for myself today other than I believe these feelings are all normal and I've got to remember who to look for during these times of doubt.  I won't find the answers asking friends or watching tv.  I have to look to God and have Him help me to discern what the right answer is.  Right now I have a lot of uncertainty.  I just realize now that I need to get back in with God and trust Him.  He's gotten me this far...I'm not going to stop now!

Some Reflecting...

I don't know why, but I've really been thinking about all I've been through in the past year and a half.  Back in March, 2012, when my life was falling apart, I never imagined I'd be able to pick myself up.  I never thought I'd be able to trust again.  I never thought I'd be able to be a single mom.  But, now 18 months later, I am feeling so much better than I ever dreamed.

With that being said, I've really been thinking about what Jesse did to me.  I've been thinking about how disgusting some people are.  Two of the "women" (I use this term loosely and would really like to call them something else) were people I knew.  One a girl who worked at the restaurant with him that I hated.  She was so gross to me.  Such a hoebag.  One year, for Halloween, she was a Corona bottle.  Except for the fact that she wore nothing but paint on her upper half...The other was a friend.  Someone I loved and worked with for a long time.  The thing that's been getting me is how could someone do that.  How was it when they were done doing what they did?  Did they look at each other in shame?  Did they laugh?  Did they feel good, bad?  Even more disturbingly, especially for my "friend," how the hell did you face me and fake it.

I'll never be able to wrap my mind around how Jesse was able to do it.  I strongly believe he did it our entire relationship, so he'd become very used to it.

I just don't get it?!  How could people do that?  What disturbs me even more is that people in Jesse's life think I was the cheater!!  Steve and I started dating shortly after I had filed and Jesse made it seem like I was the reason my marriage ended.  That used to bother me and it does a little still.  But I know the truth, so does God and so does Jesse.  Jesse has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know in his heart, he is the reason he lost his family.

I know I'm in such a better place.  I have a boyfriend who loves me so much.  He tells me numerous times a day!  He takes care of Emily and me and he wants a good life for all of us.  He does so much for me and I love him so much.

As much as all the crap hurt that I went through, my old life seems like a lifetime ago. It feels like a distant dream.  I have the relationship I've always fantasized about.  I have the daughter I have wished and hoped for.  I try not to look back in the rearview mirror, but sometimes you have to in order to see how far you've come and how much you never want to go back!

Never a Dull Moment...

Steve has been waiting for his company to hire him full-time as an official employee.  I've been bugging him to send his resume out to put some pressure on the company.  He's been done with school since April.  They have been stringing him along in hopes that they got a new Civic account.  The account, however, fell through and Civic went with another supplier.  So, his boss told him they have the possibility of something else for him.  It would be a 2 year contract deal, which would include 8 months here, 8 months in either Japan, Germany or Mexico and then the last 8 months here.

My stomach instantly dropped.  Seriously?!  EIGHT MONTHS!  That stinks.  I instantly told him I don't want him to do it.  But then he started telling me all the "benefits" of the job.  While he's gone, he won't have to pay for anything but food and spending.  His rent and car will be taken care of and when he finishes the two year fulfillment, he'll be promoted and get a raise.  He said it's the fastest way for him to grow in the company, which would allow us to start our life together.

I don't want him to go, but I do want to support him.  He was there for me every step of the way through my mess.  I want to support him.  I want him to know that we can do this and get through this.  I keep telling myself 8 months is a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the rest of our lives.  I know we could do it, it would just be hard.  I don't want to be without him!!

UGH!  Why can't it all work out nicely and easily?  Guess God wants to make me stronger!

Feeling Blue

I am feeling very lost in my friendships with my friends.  I have spent so much time over the past year working on all that was going on and dealing with my issues, I feel my friendships have suffered.

I used to be so close to all my friends.  I had circles of friends that were high school friends, work friends, church friends and now I just feel so disconnected.

Steve and I were talking about when we get married who we'd have stand up.  Other than my sister and a couple cousins, I really don't have anyone that I feel super close to anymore.  It makes me sad.  I don't feel like I have the friendships I once had.  Some of it is due to growing apart, some of it is due to differences, some of it is due to stupid things...It just sucks.  I miss having someone I can pick up the phone and just talk with. I'm having problems with Emily behaving.  She keeps throwing things and whines whenever she wants something.  I'm working so hard to try to rear her with good Christian values.

Other than Steve and my family, I just feel so alone lately.  Sorry to be such a downer, just feeling blue...

Never Again

On Father's Day, I was talking with my dad about my wedding ring.  I gave it to him to hold on to until I was able to sell it.  A few days before Father's Day, I realized giving my ring to my forgetful Dad was probably not the best choice.  We were talking about it at lunch.  As we were talking, I said, "Next time I'll know not to give you my ring."

Steve heard that and said, "There will never be a next time."  I just continued on and we all finished lunch.  Later, on the way back, I brought it up again and asked him what he meant.  He said that he can't wait to marry me and when he does, there will never be a divorce!

I know that what happened between Steve and I happened rather quickly, but we have known each other forever.  We have been friends for a long time and I love him so much.  I don't know what or when things will happen for Steve and me, but I am so happy.

I feel so content with my life.  I have my baby girl.  I have a relationship I have always dreamed of.  I'm okay with whatever life throws my way.  I told Steve that I love him and I just want to be with him.  I would love more children, but I don't NEED more children.  I want to marry him, but I don't NEED to rush things.  Timelines used to be a HUGE thing with Jesse and me.  I was always hung up on WHEN things would happen and I thought I needed them to happen in my time.  It's so refreshing to be in a relationship that I am just so happy and at peace with where we are.

What Do I Say?

Steve and I have been friends for many years.  I never expected that this would be what would become of my life.  I never wanted to be a divorcee, (is that even a real "title?)  I never wanted to be a single mom, I never would have picked any of that out for my life.  But what I do know is that Steve and I have something really special.  He is my best friend.  We enjoy doing things together.  The other day, we took Emily for our first ride in her Burley trailer on the bikes.  I almost started crying when we went for our ride.  Watching him pull her behind him and me following behind, now THAT was always what I had dreamed of.  Being a family.

When Steve and I first started dating, my first concern was for Emily, obviously.  Steve had never been married.  He never even talked about having kids.  I didn't think it would work because of that.  He has surprised me in many ways.  He is such an amazing support with Emily.  Watching her with him, makes my heart melt.  She loves him.  I love watching her giggle as she climbs on him like a jungle gym or when she's sleepy and cuddles up in his arms.

I'm pretty sure this relationship is going somewhere for the long haul.  We talk about being married all the time.  We both have some hurdles to get through before that can happen.  With that said, the other day, he shocked me to my core and I don't know how to respond.  The other night he called to say good night.  He was hanging out with his buddy.  A little into the conversation, he started talking about Emily and how much he loves her and how much it stinks that he is with her a lot more than Jesse, but he will get the title of "Dad" and all he'll ever be is "Steve."  I didn't know what to say, but I explained that he is her dad and that I know it's hard, but he's important to her.  I reassured him that she loves him and that when she starts talking she can call him whatever she would like.

I told him that I could see when we get married asking Jesse's permission to have her call him Dad or Daddy Steve, but until then, I don't really think it's appropriate.  He got a little mad.  I really didn't know what to say.  It was kind of a double edge sword.  On one hand I was happy he care, but on the other, I really can't have her call him Dad until we're married.

He's brought it up again and I just said she loves you and when we're engaged, we can talk about it.  I don't know what to do or what to say.  Does anyone have any advice??

Ugh! Exes...

I'm so ready for this weekend to be over.  Jesse's sister is getting married today.  I asked him back in January, when I learned Emily would be the flower girl, if it would be possible for me to come and see her dressed up in her flower girl dress.  He said, yes and we'd figure it out.

A few weeks ago, our babysitter had to go to a funeral, so his mom watched Emily during the day.  I went to pick her up from their house.  While I was there, his sister getting married was there and she said I could come to the house to see Emily.  I thought that was a dumb idea for two reasons, 1) the whole point would be for me to see Emily dressed and ready, would she really be ready at the house and 2) she really wanted me to come to the house?!  My plan was to come to the hall, call Jesse, have him bring her out and I'm on my way... That was what I was thinking.

When Jesse came to pick up Emily on Thursday morning, he dropped the bomb that I wasn't welcome at the wedding.  I could still come to the house.  Well, my cousin's baby shower was today and I said I was disappointed, but if SOMEONE could tell me a time she would be dressed and ready, I'd come to the house.  I texted all through the day, he never had an answer other than her hair was getting done at 12:30.  Okay.  But when would she be DRESSED and READY?  I kept texting him about how dumb it was that he wouldn't work with me and he said he was, I could come to the house.  Finally, I just said, I want to see her, put yourself in my shoes, if my sister were getting married, you wouldn't want to see her dressed up, get a picture with her and show her that we are all adults who can come together for her.  The final thing I texted was Am I still picking Emily up after dinner?  The only reason I offered was to allow you and your family time to enjoy yourselves and not worry about getting Emily to bed.  He finally texted back, Meet me in the parking lot at 3:20.  I'll bring her out after pictures.

So, I went and saw her.  I'll be going in a bit to go get her for the night.  It just really pisses me off that it turned into a knock-down, drag-out day of fighting.  I ultimately got to see Em, but it's so annoying having to share your most prized possession with someone who doesn't like to work with you!  Ugh!

Everything Happens For a Reason

I'm just thinking back to last Mother's Day!  I was so confused, happy, but heartbroken. I knew in my heart my marriage was over, but I wasn't sure if I had the strength to deal with all the drama and stress that divorce would bring.  I remember going out to breakfast with Jesse because I felt sorry for him.  I remember him telling me his goals were for us to raise Emily to the best of our ability and for us to be friends.

I can't believe how much has changed in the year.  I mean the divorce was pretty devastating and, at times, just dreadful and agonizing.  But looking at my life from where I am today, I know, without a doubt, this was the path God meant for me to be on.

I know that if I never married Jesse, which I questioned Him many times, why did you let me do it if it was going to end like this?  Well, I think I know a couple reasons.  The number one and most important is if I never married Jesse, I would probably not have my baby girl.  Emily is the light of my life and holds my heart in those chubby little hands.  I never knew if I'd be a good mom, still don't at times, but I know that I love her with all that I am and I would do anything for her.  I am the most blessed woman on the planet for having such a gift.  She is the most amazing gift I've ever been given and there' not a day that passes that I don't thank God and Theresa for her.

The second reason is Steve.  Steve and I have been friends since we were freshmen in college.  He thought I was an annoying, peppy girl who enjoyed high school too much and irritated him even more when I was drinking and got even more "happy."  As life turned out, he dated one of my best friends for quite some time.  Steve learned to deal with me, as I learned to deal with his crabbiness.  We had a pretty special friendship.  We were just always there for each other.  We didn't talk all the time, but when we did, we'd pick up like no time had passed.  They broke up and I remember telling my friend, "don't make me choose between the two of you."  I was able to keep a friendship with both of them and soon, Steve became a friend that when I would go up to visit Jesse at work, I'd call to see if he wanted to come with me.  I tried setting him up with family and friends to keep him "in the family."

He had some struggles through the years and had a hard time finishing school.  When I called him last year, out of the blue, after not talking for almost a year, he told me he only had a few more semesters of school.  I was so proud of him.  I never doubted that he would finish school.  It just took him some time.  How long did it take him to finish?  Well, he just graduated 2 weeks ago.  If he would've finished school when he was "supposed to," I can just about guarantee he and I wouldn't be.  If I would have never married Jesse, I'm sure he and I would never be.

Because, I believe, life happens for a reason, our paths have led us down some dark and lonely roads alone, but we have met back up and provided each other with the love and support we have both always dreamed of.  I feel so lucky to have a boyfriend who wants to be with me and wants to do things with me.  He goes running with me, even though he hates it.  He's signed up to do the Warrior Dash with me this summer, as well as, the Detroit Free Press Marathon Relay.  He bought me an awesome mountain bike so we can ride together.

When he's over, he helps with stuff around the apartment; vacuuming, laundry, cooking, dishes...  I feel, for the first time in ANY relationship, like I have a partner.  Someone who loves me, wants the best for me and wants to do life with me.

As I sit here this afternoon before Mother's Day, I know I am one lucky mom and girlfriend.  Life is really good!!

Moving On

It's really hard for me to believe that I am a divorcee.  My married life is over.  I am a single mom now.  I never imagined this life, but here it is.  The strangest part for me is...I couldn't be happier.  I mean I am truly happy.

I had lunch with some high school friends today and one of them was teasing about how she gets intuition about things. I jokingly said, "Well, where were you for me?  Why didn't you feel anything about my marriage?!"  She said she never thought I'd go through what I did, but that I always seemed tense or on edge.  She assumed it was due to something else, not knowing that it was because of my marriage.

That made me think.  I never thought my marriage was a "bad" one.  I thought we had a "normal" marriage.  But, really gut checking and looking back, I know we didn't.  We argued all the time.  I just assumed it was a banter, but I think there was more to it.  When he asked me to marry him, I was so upset that he didn't ask my dad for his permission!  That bothered me A TON!  I think I had signs that I should've walked away before it led to marriage, but I was so certain I was making the right decision.  I was sure that I was doing the right thing.

Whether I made the right choice or not, is not the case.  I did marry him.  We did go through years of infertility.  We did adopt our amazing baby girl.  I did divorce him.

I don't know what's to come of my future, but I know whatever does come, I am so much  happier than I ever imagined I could be.  I know that I will do things different in my current relationship.  I know that I will be ok.

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I had a get together to celebrate getting through all the baloney that I had gone through.  Here are some pictures from the night.

What a Difference a Year Makes

It was one year ago today that I thought my life was falling apart.  I remember thinking my life had to be some crazy dream.  At the time, I never thought that my life could go back to "normal."  I couldn't imagine myself on the other side of the storm.  I thought it would never end.  But, all things do end and my pain finally did.

I don't know when it happened exactly, but it did nonetheless.  I am shocked by how strong I was.  I know God was with me.  There was no way I could've gotten through it on my own.  There were two songs that got me through:

1) Sara Evans-Stronger
Can't get the links to work!  ugh!

2) Matthew West-Strong Enough
Double ugh!

Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," became my bible verse.  I said it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  It became my mantra.

I never imagined I'd be saying I was thankful for what happened to me, but I do and I am.  I am so thankful for that horrible day, March 12, 2012.  It was the first day of me living my new life.  It was the first day I knew the truth for 14 years.  I learned what I don't want or will not put up with in future relationships.

I hate that I'm divorced.  I know God doesn't like it, but I also know that God doesn't want you to be in a relationship of any sort that is harmful.  That's what my marriage was.  It was harmful.  It wasn't good for me to stay.

I am so happy right now where I am in life.  I love the relationship I'm in and I love that I can love and trust again.  That's the power of Christ.  And for that I'll always be thankful!

Picking Up the Pieces

This was, by far, the most trying and horrible time of my life.  The hardest part for me was I couldn't blog about it and I couldn't journal about it.  I tried journaling only to learn that Jesse was stealing pages from my journal.  I could only talk to friends.

After I told my high school crew about what was going on, Steve and I were talking a lot.  We talked just about every day.  Jesse knew we were talking and he kept trying to tell me that I was cheating.  But, I wasn't.  Steve and I were just talking.  There were no feelings there.  Steve was my friend.  We'd been friends forever.  He dated two of my friends.  Nothing was going on!  Right?

We talked a lot.  One day we met up at Stony and walked the trails.  It was nice to spend time with someone who knew me, understood me, allowed me to cry, vent and just try to forget what was going on in my life.  And, plus, he was "seeing" someone, so nothing was going on!

After I decided that Jesse and I were done and there was no fixing it, I remember looking forward to texts and phone calls from Steve.  The girls at work had a field day making fun of me for what would happen when I talked about Steve.  I kept telling them that nothing was going on.  I think a lot of that was trying to convince myself that nothing was going on.  But, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, something was happening.  The kicker for me was, one night Steve and I were talking and I remember him saying, "Some thing's different about you."  I had no idea what he was talking about.  "You sound happy again," he said.

Why was I sounding so happy?  What was different? I realized it was that I was looking forward to his calls, his texts, and seeing him.  I was falling for him.  That scared the daylights out of me.  I journaled.  This was when Jesse started stealing my pages from my journal.  I remember writing and pleading with God to help me to see if my feelings were from Him or something I should try to avoid.  I talked to my counselor about my feelings.  I tried to push them away, but it was hard to deny.

Then Steve told me he broke things off with his "friend."  He was single.  UGH!!  Now, it was impossible.  After I filed, I decided to see what would happen.  In my heart, my marriage was over, but I was scared of starting something with a friend.  And, plus, I didn't even know if the feelings were mutual.

One day, we went to Stony, again, to walk the trails. While we were walking, we somehow wound up holding hands.  That was the beginning of us.  Things just happened from there.  I was terrified.  This was my friend.  I didn't expect or even imagine something like this could've happened.  But, at the same time, this was my friend and I would always wonder what could've been.

Jesse kept trying to "catch" me.  I didn't understand what his issue was.  We were getting divorced.  He never stopped seeing Sarah.  What the heck did he care what I was doing?  Steve and I took things slow, but it was very hard to take things super slow with someone you've known since high school.

We began dating, but it was on the down low.  We started dating in June.  We've been dating ever since.  My divorce was finally final this week.  I'm so excited to put the past behind me and focus on my future.  I don't know what that future is, but I'm very happy where I am now.  I've never been in a relationship like this.  I think because we were such good friends for so long, and have seen each other through so much life before we got together, it really set the foundation for our relationship.

I'm so happy and hopeful. A year ago, I never thought I could be happy again.  I never thought I'd be in love again, let alone trust someone.  Things are really looking up for me.  Emily's 15 months old.  She's doing great.  I can't wait to start posting things about my life now and really put the past behind me, where it belongs.  My focus is my future and what's to come.  I'm not looking in the rearview mirror any more.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  As much as I hate what happened to me last March, I'm so glad it did.  I am in a better place and have the option to have the life I've always dreamed of.  Here's to my future!!

Part 3

So, hopefully I can get you to my current place in this post, but a LOT happened...  I'll try.  The next few days were miserable.  I was a staple at my counselor.  Jesse went with me the first 2 times, but I went on Friday by myself.  I think I was in shock.  I don't think my mind would let me deal with it.  Throughout it all, I leaned HEAVILY on my faith.  I don't know how I would've made it without my faith in God.  I couldn't tell my family or close friends what had happened.  My fear was if, by the grace of God, we made it through, I couldn't let my family and friends know the whole truth.  They'd never forgive him.  (That should've been my first sign!  Duh!)

Jesse was supposedly not talking to Sarah and we were "trying" to make it work.  Then one day, I came home from work and Sarah's number was on the caller id at the house. I remember Jesse saying he had to leave early that day and then my mind went crazy.  I think I may have called her back to see if she'd answer, but she didn't.  I knew what happened at that moment.  She forgot Jesse had to leave early, he wasn't there to delete the number, I found it!  Busted!  I called him.  Of course he had NO IDEA why she was calling.  He ended it for sure.  My friends at school always tease me that I'm "Nancy Drew" and in that moment, Nancy Drew kicked in.  I started looking up cell phone records and house phone records.  I was mortified.  He hadn't stopped talking to her.  The day I found out and was having a nervous breakdown on our kitchen floor, yeah?  Remember that?  He called her right after I walked out the door and was talking to her throughout the day.  The night he broke it off with her and I kicked him out, who did he call right after, you got it!  Miss Sarah!  Then, the day that I begged him to go to church with me to try and get things figured out and I went to the park...He talked to her all day.  It wasn't stopping.  It was in high gear.  I wanted to throw up!  How could he do this?

My friends are the best and they had offered to follow him one night.  I thought they were crazy, but after this, I needed some proof!  (As if I didn't have enough already, but I was seriously in shock and terrified of losing Emily!)  So the following Tuesday, an exact week after he "ended" things with Sarah and I kicked him out, my friends camped out at his pizzeria.  (I don't know if I mentioned already, but she worked at the Fantastic Sam's two doors down from his pizzeria.)

The stakeout began.  At about 8pm, I got the first call...a blue car just pulled into the parking lot and a little blonde got out.  Ugh!  Gut punch one!  Then they called a little later to tell me that they were leaning over the counter, they weren't sure, but it looked like they kissed.  Ugh!  Right in the gut again.  Then, finally, they got brave.  Sarah and Jesse moved to the back of the store, so my friends couldn't see anything, so they drove around back to see if they could see anymore.  Oh, did they?  Jesse was sitting on the counter right by the back door, that was wide open, and Sarah was in between his legs cuddling.  I was hysterical!  What the hell do I do?  I packed up Emily and got in my car.  Just as I was pulling out, my friend came over.

I didn't know what to do.  I was afraid to leave with Emily because I was afraid that I would get something on me for leaving, but I didn't know what to do.  I was shaking.  I was crying.  My life was over.  I was beginning to realize that there was no fixing this. I kept thinking, I can't get divorced.  God HATES divorces.  But I just kept praying for God to reveal it to me.  Help me to see what I need to see and give me the answers.  I couldn't do this alone!  I also realized that I needed my family on my side.  I needed support.  I didn't tell Jesse what I found out.  I planned on dropping the bomb on him at our next counseling session the next day.  It was hard.  I wanted to kill him, but I also knew that I was dealing with a sociopath or a well trained liar and anything I said alone, he would twist.  I needed to tell him with my counselor there.  I also told my parents what was going on.  They were heartbroken and PISSED!

So, Wednesday came along.  My next counseling session.  As we sat there, I threw the copies of the phone records at him and told him I knew he was still seeing her.  I'll never forget the look on my counselors face.  He was glaring at him.  I bet he was thinking, "you digusting man.  How could you sit here for 3 years and lie to me?!"  I knew my counselor was disappointed, pissed and sad.  After I told him I was done and there was no going back.  (At our session the week before, I told him, if there was anything else, he had to tell me then.  I couldn't take anything more after that date.)  We were done.  I said it, I meant it, but I still couldn't accept it or believe it!  Jesse left the session before it was over.  I don't remember much.  I just remember crying.  And boy, did I cry!

I was hurt, I was pissed, but I still couldn't accept that my marriage, my entire relationship, was a lie!  We were stronger than this.  I still believed we could overcome it.  I think I kept hanging to that because I was so scared of losing Emily.  We still had 2 more house visits and 4 more months of fooling the caseworkers.  How could I do that? I knew if I lost Emily, I would lose myself.  But, I just clung to God!  He was the only consistent thing I could rely on.  Friends and family were supportive, but they were hurt and shocked and I still hadn't told my oldest, closest friends.  My high school crew, because I knew once I did that, it would be over.  There would be NO going back.

So fast forward to Friday night.  I begged and by begged, I mean downright crying and begging and pleading for Jesse to come home.  I wanted so desperately to make this stupid marriage work. I couldn't accept that divorce was in my future.

That night when he was leaving work at 10, I asked him where he was staying that night.  He kept telling me that he was either staying at his Mom's or his sister's.  He said he didn't know, but he was running to Quiznos to get dinner.  Then he asked me when I was leaving in the morning.  I had an early counselor appointment and my friend Cindy was watching Emily.  I thought it was weird, but I was exhausted. This was one hell of a week.

I didn't think much more of what he said until the morning, then Nancy Drew kicked in again.  I began to think...hmm, he was going to Quiznos, the opposite direction of his sister and parent's houses.  He asked when I was leaving.  My friend and counselor were in Rochester...(I may have forgotten to mention.  The night my friends followed Jesse, they followed Sarah home.  Guess where she lives?  Are you putting this together?  Yep, Rochester!)  That's when I knew.  I called my friend who followed Sarah and told her that she had to direct me to Sarah's apartment.  He was there.  I knew it!  How did he not know where he was staying at 10pm?  He wanted to know when I was leaving so I didn't accidentally spot him driving around Rochester.  He drove a red, convertible Mustang...not the most inconspicuous car!  She asked me if I was sure, and I said more than anything.  I knew what I was going to find, but I had to start seeing it to believe it.  I was sick to my stomach.  I KNEW what I was going to find!  I knew it!

She directed me.  She told me to turn in and take this long road down.  She said Sarah parked in the last parking lot.  I drove slowly.  I saw Sarah's car.  Then I remember saying, "He's here!  Heather, his %$^&#@ car is here!  He's here!"  She was mortified.  I think I hung up on her.  I drove around and took a picture of his car and then her car.  I was shaking.  I called him.  He didn't answer.  I was seeing red.  I drove around again and that's when I saw him.  He was doing the walk of shame walking out of her apartment.  I got out of the car.  I ran at him, raging.  I began hitting his chest and sobbing.  Some lady was walking her dog and I remember shouting, "This is my husband! He's leaving his LOVER's house!!"

He wouldn't talk to me.  He just got in his car.  I drove like an asshole.  I cut him off.  He asked me to stop and meet him at the corner.  We drove to the corner and I parked. He got in my car.  I asked him what the hell he had to say for himself now.  He started talking and I smacked him as hard as I could in the mouth!  F-ing liar.  Like I'd believe anything he said.  He told me some bs reason that they were just "hanging out!"  Yeah, I'm sure YOU were just "hanging out", you sick freak!  I didn't listen to anything.  I don't know why I talked to him.  I went to my counselor appointment.  We were both mortified.  He told me that I can't hit him ever again and I didn't.  He said Jesse could make a case against me.  I told him I was so lost and didn't know what to do, but I would never touch him again.  He wasn't worth me losing Emily.  Talk about devastated. But, God kept revealing what I needed to see.  I called my parents.  I went over there.  I made a doctors appointment because my counselor recommended maybe, I get on something to deal with my nerves.  I just cried.  I cried a lot.  I knew I couldn't go back now.  I was devastated.  I also knew that I had to tell my friends.  I needed their support.  I couldn't get through this alone.  I sent a text message.  I couldn't call each of them.  Tony, my bud from high school, called me first.  I remember him telling me it'd be ok.  That I was strong.  He asked me who I told.  I told him I told all the girls and him and Steve.  His next line will forever be burned in my memory, he said, "Shell, Steve will take care of you."

Everything was over, but I had heard at church that the focus on Easter was a woman finding out that her husband was cheating on her and her hope through dealing with it.  Um...do you THINK God was talking to me?  Easter was my last hope.  I was afraid to go forward with divorce proceedings, I couldn't lose Emily.  So, I held on to the hope of Easter.  Easter was my last hope.  We went to church that morning together, the first time in MONTHS!  He held my hand.  I cried through the whole service.  It was made for us.  In the story, the woman works it out with their husband and the story ended with them going out to dinner for their 25th wedding anniversary.  See, maybe God was telling me that we could work this out.  Things can get better.  We got in the car and I asked him what he thought.  I was expecting something like, "I'm sorry. That must've been hard.  I'm an idiot.  I love you."  Anything like that?  Nope.  The answer I got was, "that was just one side of the story!"  POP!  My hope went down the toilet.  It was over.  Time to move on.  I don't know how, but I managed to spend the day with HIS family on Easter.  My parents were out of town and none of my extended family knew what was going on.  I couldn't be around my family.  I, soon realized that his family didn't know either.  And, even though I already knew, he wasn't staying with his family all that much.  When I was getting ready to leave, his mom asked him if he wanted to take his big Reese egg home?!  He hadn't been home in a month!!

That spring break, I went to lawyers.  Not really sure what I was going to do.  My friend found him at Sarah's one more time during the day.  I kept clinging to God and my friends for support!  I was talking to my friend, Steve, a lot.  He kept me distracted from my craziness.

Mother's Day was hard.  The night before, Emily and I went out to dinner with my Mom's whole side.  I told them at the end that Jesse and I were getting divorced.  I decided to share Emily with his mom since it was her first year as a Grandmother.  I wanted Jesse to share Emily with my dad on his first father's day, so I thought it was fair.  I dropped her off and just sobbed.  I spent the day with a friend.

Finally at the end of May, I went away on a retreat with church.  It was a women's retreat.  I went to get away, but what I came back with was confidence.  I left the retreat knowing in my heart that I couldn't stay married.  God was revealing to me that it was unhealthy for both Emily and myself.  I had to get out.  That didn't mean that I was a bad "Christian."  I had to do what I needed to do to protect myself.  I had to get out. I filed for divorce the next week, June 7, 2012.

I did speak to the adoption worker before our home visit in April.  I told her, without telling her details, that Jesse and I were not doing well.  It had NOTHING to do with Emily, but we were struggling and were on the brink of divorce.  She said the only way Emily would ever be taken from us would be if she was in harm, or one of us were in harm.  So, I could divorce him without the fear of losing my baby girl.  Things were starting to look up!

Part 2

So, Part 1 was basically Monday.  The day I thought was the worst day of my life.  That is until Tuesday came along, but I'll get there in a bit.

I took Tuesday off work.  I knew there was no way I'd be able to manage being at work.  Jesse and I took the dogs and Em for a walk.  I think I was numbing it all. I kept thinking that we had to stay together.  Emily wasn't officially ours.  I began to think that this would be our story.  You know, the story every couple has that marks how strong they are!

Jesse went to work shortly after, and I spent the whole day home with Emily wondering how we'd get through this. How could this happen?  I couldn't wait for him to get home to make the call so we could begin to heal.  The minute he walked in, I said, "okay, are you ready?"  I think he thought I'd forget or something?!  But as soon as he walked in, I was on him.  I made him put her on speaker phone.  I wanted to hear her voice.  I listened as he called and told her that he was sorry, but he couldn't talk to her anymore.  He said that he was going to work things out with me.  She sounded upset and hung up on him.  I felt relieved.  I didn't know how, but it was time to move past.

As he hung up the phone, I sat next to him and told him, it would be hard for me to trust him again, but somehow we'd get through it.  That was when the story got worse, much worse!  He started talking about leading double lives.  I thought he was referring to my friend from church.  I was so confused.  It was like the room started spinning.  I asked him to tell me what he meant.  I wasn't understanding.  And then it all became crystal clear, "This isn't the first time I've cheated on you!"  WHAT?!  What did you just say?!  I asked him what the hell he was talking about.  That's when he revealed that he had cheated on me throughout our whole relationship.  He cheated on me with some chick at State when he would go up to see Jeff in college and then came the worst part.  He cheated on me with a hoebag that he used to work at Fin-tini's with and then he cheated on me with a friend while we were married!  I was sick to my stomach.  I still don't know how I didn't throw up?!  I started throwing picture frames around the house screaming that none of the memories were real!  I asked him how he could do it?!  Why?  He gave me some bogus line about infertility and then when I would threaten that if he didn't adopt, I'd have to leave because I wanted to be a mom, it made him hurt and that he lost me, so he cheated on me.

I called my friend Stacie.  She came right over.  I was a wreck.  This was devastating.  My entire relationship and marriage were a lie!  We had gone to counseling together for years!  All the while I was always the focus.  I was always the one who needed the work.  We went to church together.  We just got baptized together 6 months prior!  What the hell?

When Stacie got there, I kicked him out.  I told him to leave.  I was so heartbroken, lost, scared.  Scared because how could I ever trust him now?  Scared because how could I divorce him before our adoption was final?  Scared because how could God give me my precious baby girl only to have my life shattered 4 months later?  I cried all night.  I didn't sleep much at all.  I tried calling him, I don't know why, but I did.  He wouldn't answer.  I remember just watching the tv and checking my phone throughout the whole night.  I slept a bit, but not much.  I remember thinking, "my life is a Lifetime movie!"

I was shocked.  Needless to say, I took Wednesday off work.  I went to see someone at church.  I asked Jesse to go with me, but he wouldn't go with me.  The pastor gave me a rock and told me the story of Samuel.  He told me to cling to God.  God would give me the answers I needed.  No one can give me the answers except for Him.  I went to read the bible and be alone at the park.  What the heck had happened to my life?

Jesse never came back home after that night.  I didn't want him to.  He would come home during the day to watch Emily, but every night was alone.  He never came home.  I'll fill you in more what happened in the weeks and months that followed.  Some trivia that I thought was weird was this last girl he cheated on me with worked at a hair salon just 2 doors down from the pizzeria.  No wonder he wasn't excited when I offered to come to the pizzeria to help out!  His affair would be over.

Okay, that's all I can write about today.

Not Sure Where to Begin Part 1

Before I start, I have spent the past 2 days trying to change my fonts!  I'm getting very frustrated.  Anyone remember how?  I can't do it and it's really annoying me!!  Ugh...  Anywho...

Okay, I don't know where this all will go, but here I go...

Last year around this time, I was really struggling.  I had just gone back to work after spending 2 1/2 months off being home with Emily.  I was beginning to resent Jesse because, I felt, if he had another job, I'd be able to stay home.  I recognized this and spoke with some friends at work about it.  I didn't want to mention it to him because I knew he'd be upset.

Superbowl, last year, he and I got into a huge fight where it all came out!  That day changed a lot.  Things were never the same with us.  He didn't come home after work, he went over his sisters house to watch the game.  When he got home, it was late and I had to work.  We didn't talk much.

I did some real soul searching and decided that most of our issues were stemming from money.  My friend was just starting a business with Premiere jewelry, so I thought maybe I could do that on the side to help bring in some money.  I also spoke to him about working with him at the pizzeria.  When I told him, I thought this was the perfect way for me to show that I was supportive of him and that we were in this together.  He told me he'd have to think about it.

Then a week or so later, one night he didn't come home.  It was 4 in the morning.  He wasn't answering his phone.  I had called his mom to see if she knew.  Nothing.  I was scared.  I called the cops.  I didn't know what else to do.  I'll never forget when the cop asked, "are you having marital issues?"  I thought no, we're not that couple.  Something's happened!  A short while later, but before the cops came, Jesse called me back.  He said he drove to the Zilwaukee bridge and needed some time to think.  Of course his phone died and he had no charger.  Convenient!

A few weeks later, we got into a HUGE fight one Friday morning before I went to work.  I'm talking HUGE fight.  So bad that I took my ring off and left for work.  I had NEVER done that.  That evening we went to his parents house for his sister's birthday dinner.  I can't remember what time it was, maybe 10 or 11, I decided to take Emily home.  I thought he would leave with me, but instead, he told me he'd be home shortly.  As I was driving away, I saw him grab another beer and I knew he wasn't going to be home anytime soon.  It was late when he got home and we continued to fight until the early morning.  I was so hurt.  We had just had the hugest fight in the history of us and he didn't want to come home to figure things out?!  I went to bed defeated and crushed.  What was happening to us, I began to wonder?

Throughout this rocky time, he had become very weird with his cell phone.  We used to be the couple that when we'd come home, we'd throw them on the counter or charge them in the kitchen.  Now, he was charging it right next to him.  One night he slept with it.  The weirdest thing was, one day I had to call our babysitter.  My phone was just about dead, so I asked to borrow his.  Instead of giving me the phone, he took the battery out and gave me the battery!  I kept checking his phone when it'd be laying around.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I kept checking nonetheless.

So that same weekend we had gotten into the huge fight on Friday and we were up late on Friday night, I worked at church that Sunday.  The service was amazing.  It was about this guy who had done so much to try to gain material things, that his wife left and his family crumbled. (was God trying to tell me something?)  Then came the weirdest part of the weekend was, I worked with this lady, Renee.  She, for some reason, decided to tell me this story about her first husband.  How one day, shortly after she had her second son, this person came to the door and told her he was leading a double life.  She confronted her husband about it and they were supposed to go to counseling.  She went to the counselor, but he never showed.  Later, she learned that he had taken his life.  She told me that she was in the lowest of lows, but she leaned on God throughout.  She had, since, found a new husband and, although, her new husband and her had separated for year, they were better than ever and God was a big part of their lives.  I thought this was so weird and told Jesse about it. (Looking back, God really WAS trying to tell me something that day!)

That night, we went out to dinner and when we came back, we were both in Emily's room.  I was saying her prayers for the night sobbing about how I wanted my family back and I didn't know what was going on, but I wanted our normal back.  Jesse held me as I was praying over her.  Tears falling onto my glasses and onto her.  Emily needed some milk, so Jesse went to the store that night to get some.  We went to bed and I was so hopeful that we had reached a turning point in our relationship.  I woke up the next morning and we were intimate.  The first time in months.  I was so hopeful, but I still couldn't understand what was happening to us?

When Jesse went to get Em's milk that night, he took my car.  I knew that I had to find his phone.  I knew he wouldn't have left it in my car.  I don't know why I was in such a zone to find the phone, but I was.  I knew I had to find something in that phone, and, boy, was I right.  I found the phone.  At 6:32, the same time I was intimate with him, "Sarah" texted him- "Good night  I love you"  I felt like I was in a movie.  WHAT?  I took the phone upstairs.  I threw the phone at him and shouted, "Who the *#$% is Sarah?!"  He jumped out of bed.  It's a "friend"!  A friend I had never met.  I had a couple guy friends from high school that we said I love you back and forth, but some chick I had never met is saying I love you!  I don't think so!  I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown in my kitchen, screaming at him, crying, shaking.  My world was falling apart.  I didn't know what else to do, so I went to work!  But before I left, I called my counselor.  I'll never forget the words, "Dr. Pillow, I just found out Jesse's cheating on me!!"

I talked to him the whole drive to work.  The story went from nothing happened, to we kissed once!  I couldn't teach!  I don't know what I was thinking going to work.  My friends took my kids and I proceeded to scream, cry and breakdown on my cell phone with Jesse.  At lunch, my friend, Stacie came and said, "you can't be here.  I'm taking you home."  I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in her basement sobbing.  Jesse wanted to meet with me before our 7 o'clock appointment, but I told him either you come to Stacie's to talk or I'll see you at the counselor.  I wanted when I saw him next to be with people.  I didn't want him talking his way out of this.

When we got to the counselor, I can't remember exactly what was said, but I do remember our counselor looking at him like who the hell is this man?!  We had been going to see him together for the past 3 years!  One thing I remember him asking Jesse was, "can it be ended?"  Jesse said yes, she didn't mean that much to him.  He would end it.  I thought it would be that night, but Jesse said that he would do it on Tuesday night, the next day, because that was when he and she used to spend time together.  I thought it was weird, but thought ok?

I obviously took the next day off.  What the hell had happened to my life?  If I thought Monday was bad...Tuesday kicked my butt!