Feeling Blue

I am feeling very lost in my friendships with my friends.  I have spent so much time over the past year working on all that was going on and dealing with my issues, I feel my friendships have suffered.

I used to be so close to all my friends.  I had circles of friends that were high school friends, work friends, church friends and now I just feel so disconnected.

Steve and I were talking about when we get married who we'd have stand up.  Other than my sister and a couple cousins, I really don't have anyone that I feel super close to anymore.  It makes me sad.  I don't feel like I have the friendships I once had.  Some of it is due to growing apart, some of it is due to differences, some of it is due to stupid things...It just sucks.  I miss having someone I can pick up the phone and just talk with. I'm having problems with Emily behaving.  She keeps throwing things and whines whenever she wants something.  I'm working so hard to try to rear her with good Christian values.

Other than Steve and my family, I just feel so alone lately.  Sorry to be such a downer, just feeling blue...

Never Again

On Father's Day, I was talking with my dad about my wedding ring.  I gave it to him to hold on to until I was able to sell it.  A few days before Father's Day, I realized giving my ring to my forgetful Dad was probably not the best choice.  We were talking about it at lunch.  As we were talking, I said, "Next time I'll know not to give you my ring."

Steve heard that and said, "There will never be a next time."  I just continued on and we all finished lunch.  Later, on the way back, I brought it up again and asked him what he meant.  He said that he can't wait to marry me and when he does, there will never be a divorce!

I know that what happened between Steve and I happened rather quickly, but we have known each other forever.  We have been friends for a long time and I love him so much.  I don't know what or when things will happen for Steve and me, but I am so happy.

I feel so content with my life.  I have my baby girl.  I have a relationship I have always dreamed of.  I'm okay with whatever life throws my way.  I told Steve that I love him and I just want to be with him.  I would love more children, but I don't NEED more children.  I want to marry him, but I don't NEED to rush things.  Timelines used to be a HUGE thing with Jesse and me.  I was always hung up on WHEN things would happen and I thought I needed them to happen in my time.  It's so refreshing to be in a relationship that I am just so happy and at peace with where we are.

What Do I Say?

Steve and I have been friends for many years.  I never expected that this would be what would become of my life.  I never wanted to be a divorcee, (is that even a real "title?)  I never wanted to be a single mom, I never would have picked any of that out for my life.  But what I do know is that Steve and I have something really special.  He is my best friend.  We enjoy doing things together.  The other day, we took Emily for our first ride in her Burley trailer on the bikes.  I almost started crying when we went for our ride.  Watching him pull her behind him and me following behind, now THAT was always what I had dreamed of.  Being a family.

When Steve and I first started dating, my first concern was for Emily, obviously.  Steve had never been married.  He never even talked about having kids.  I didn't think it would work because of that.  He has surprised me in many ways.  He is such an amazing support with Emily.  Watching her with him, makes my heart melt.  She loves him.  I love watching her giggle as she climbs on him like a jungle gym or when she's sleepy and cuddles up in his arms.

I'm pretty sure this relationship is going somewhere for the long haul.  We talk about being married all the time.  We both have some hurdles to get through before that can happen.  With that said, the other day, he shocked me to my core and I don't know how to respond.  The other night he called to say good night.  He was hanging out with his buddy.  A little into the conversation, he started talking about Emily and how much he loves her and how much it stinks that he is with her a lot more than Jesse, but he will get the title of "Dad" and all he'll ever be is "Steve."  I didn't know what to say, but I explained that he is her dad and that I know it's hard, but he's important to her.  I reassured him that she loves him and that when she starts talking she can call him whatever she would like.

I told him that I could see when we get married asking Jesse's permission to have her call him Dad or Daddy Steve, but until then, I don't really think it's appropriate.  He got a little mad.  I really didn't know what to say.  It was kind of a double edge sword.  On one hand I was happy he care, but on the other, I really can't have her call him Dad until we're married.

He's brought it up again and I just said she loves you and when we're engaged, we can talk about it.  I don't know what to do or what to say.  Does anyone have any advice??

Ugh! Exes...

I'm so ready for this weekend to be over.  Jesse's sister is getting married today.  I asked him back in January, when I learned Emily would be the flower girl, if it would be possible for me to come and see her dressed up in her flower girl dress.  He said, yes and we'd figure it out.

A few weeks ago, our babysitter had to go to a funeral, so his mom watched Emily during the day.  I went to pick her up from their house.  While I was there, his sister getting married was there and she said I could come to the house to see Emily.  I thought that was a dumb idea for two reasons, 1) the whole point would be for me to see Emily dressed and ready, would she really be ready at the house and 2) she really wanted me to come to the house?!  My plan was to come to the hall, call Jesse, have him bring her out and I'm on my way... That was what I was thinking.

When Jesse came to pick up Emily on Thursday morning, he dropped the bomb that I wasn't welcome at the wedding.  I could still come to the house.  Well, my cousin's baby shower was today and I said I was disappointed, but if SOMEONE could tell me a time she would be dressed and ready, I'd come to the house.  I texted all through the day, he never had an answer other than her hair was getting done at 12:30.  Okay.  But when would she be DRESSED and READY?  I kept texting him about how dumb it was that he wouldn't work with me and he said he was, I could come to the house.  Finally, I just said, I want to see her, put yourself in my shoes, if my sister were getting married, you wouldn't want to see her dressed up, get a picture with her and show her that we are all adults who can come together for her.  The final thing I texted was Am I still picking Emily up after dinner?  The only reason I offered was to allow you and your family time to enjoy yourselves and not worry about getting Emily to bed.  He finally texted back, Meet me in the parking lot at 3:20.  I'll bring her out after pictures.

So, I went and saw her.  I'll be going in a bit to go get her for the night.  It just really pisses me off that it turned into a knock-down, drag-out day of fighting.  I ultimately got to see Em, but it's so annoying having to share your most prized possession with someone who doesn't like to work with you!  Ugh!

Everything Happens For a Reason

I'm just thinking back to last Mother's Day!  I was so confused, happy, but heartbroken. I knew in my heart my marriage was over, but I wasn't sure if I had the strength to deal with all the drama and stress that divorce would bring.  I remember going out to breakfast with Jesse because I felt sorry for him.  I remember him telling me his goals were for us to raise Emily to the best of our ability and for us to be friends.

I can't believe how much has changed in the year.  I mean the divorce was pretty devastating and, at times, just dreadful and agonizing.  But looking at my life from where I am today, I know, without a doubt, this was the path God meant for me to be on.

I know that if I never married Jesse, which I questioned Him many times, why did you let me do it if it was going to end like this?  Well, I think I know a couple reasons.  The number one and most important is if I never married Jesse, I would probably not have my baby girl.  Emily is the light of my life and holds my heart in those chubby little hands.  I never knew if I'd be a good mom, still don't at times, but I know that I love her with all that I am and I would do anything for her.  I am the most blessed woman on the planet for having such a gift.  She is the most amazing gift I've ever been given and there' not a day that passes that I don't thank God and Theresa for her.

The second reason is Steve.  Steve and I have been friends since we were freshmen in college.  He thought I was an annoying, peppy girl who enjoyed high school too much and irritated him even more when I was drinking and got even more "happy."  As life turned out, he dated one of my best friends for quite some time.  Steve learned to deal with me, as I learned to deal with his crabbiness.  We had a pretty special friendship.  We were just always there for each other.  We didn't talk all the time, but when we did, we'd pick up like no time had passed.  They broke up and I remember telling my friend, "don't make me choose between the two of you."  I was able to keep a friendship with both of them and soon, Steve became a friend that when I would go up to visit Jesse at work, I'd call to see if he wanted to come with me.  I tried setting him up with family and friends to keep him "in the family."

He had some struggles through the years and had a hard time finishing school.  When I called him last year, out of the blue, after not talking for almost a year, he told me he only had a few more semesters of school.  I was so proud of him.  I never doubted that he would finish school.  It just took him some time.  How long did it take him to finish?  Well, he just graduated 2 weeks ago.  If he would've finished school when he was "supposed to," I can just about guarantee he and I wouldn't be.  If I would have never married Jesse, I'm sure he and I would never be.

Because, I believe, life happens for a reason, our paths have led us down some dark and lonely roads alone, but we have met back up and provided each other with the love and support we have both always dreamed of.  I feel so lucky to have a boyfriend who wants to be with me and wants to do things with me.  He goes running with me, even though he hates it.  He's signed up to do the Warrior Dash with me this summer, as well as, the Detroit Free Press Marathon Relay.  He bought me an awesome mountain bike so we can ride together.

When he's over, he helps with stuff around the apartment; vacuuming, laundry, cooking, dishes...  I feel, for the first time in ANY relationship, like I have a partner.  Someone who loves me, wants the best for me and wants to do life with me.

As I sit here this afternoon before Mother's Day, I know I am one lucky mom and girlfriend.  Life is really good!!

Moving On

It's really hard for me to believe that I am a divorcee.  My married life is over.  I am a single mom now.  I never imagined this life, but here it is.  The strangest part for me is...I couldn't be happier.  I mean I am truly happy.

I had lunch with some high school friends today and one of them was teasing about how she gets intuition about things. I jokingly said, "Well, where were you for me?  Why didn't you feel anything about my marriage?!"  She said she never thought I'd go through what I did, but that I always seemed tense or on edge.  She assumed it was due to something else, not knowing that it was because of my marriage.

That made me think.  I never thought my marriage was a "bad" one.  I thought we had a "normal" marriage.  But, really gut checking and looking back, I know we didn't.  We argued all the time.  I just assumed it was a banter, but I think there was more to it.  When he asked me to marry him, I was so upset that he didn't ask my dad for his permission!  That bothered me A TON!  I think I had signs that I should've walked away before it led to marriage, but I was so certain I was making the right decision.  I was sure that I was doing the right thing.

Whether I made the right choice or not, is not the case.  I did marry him.  We did go through years of infertility.  We did adopt our amazing baby girl.  I did divorce him.

I don't know what's to come of my future, but I know whatever does come, I am so much  happier than I ever imagined I could be.  I know that I will do things different in my current relationship.  I know that I will be ok.

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I had a get together to celebrate getting through all the baloney that I had gone through.  Here are some pictures from the night.

What a Difference a Year Makes

It was one year ago today that I thought my life was falling apart.  I remember thinking my life had to be some crazy dream.  At the time, I never thought that my life could go back to "normal."  I couldn't imagine myself on the other side of the storm.  I thought it would never end.  But, all things do end and my pain finally did.

I don't know when it happened exactly, but it did nonetheless.  I am shocked by how strong I was.  I know God was with me.  There was no way I could've gotten through it on my own.  There were two songs that got me through:

1) Sara Evans-Stronger
Can't get the links to work!  ugh!

2) Matthew West-Strong Enough
Double ugh!

Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," became my bible verse.  I said it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.  It became my mantra.

I never imagined I'd be saying I was thankful for what happened to me, but I do and I am.  I am so thankful for that horrible day, March 12, 2012.  It was the first day of me living my new life.  It was the first day I knew the truth for 14 years.  I learned what I don't want or will not put up with in future relationships.

I hate that I'm divorced.  I know God doesn't like it, but I also know that God doesn't want you to be in a relationship of any sort that is harmful.  That's what my marriage was.  It was harmful.  It wasn't good for me to stay.

I am so happy right now where I am in life.  I love the relationship I'm in and I love that I can love and trust again.  That's the power of Christ.  And for that I'll always be thankful!