Picking Up the Pieces

This was, by far, the most trying and horrible time of my life.  The hardest part for me was I couldn't blog about it and I couldn't journal about it.  I tried journaling only to learn that Jesse was stealing pages from my journal.  I could only talk to friends.

After I told my high school crew about what was going on, Steve and I were talking a lot.  We talked just about every day.  Jesse knew we were talking and he kept trying to tell me that I was cheating.  But, I wasn't.  Steve and I were just talking.  There were no feelings there.  Steve was my friend.  We'd been friends forever.  He dated two of my friends.  Nothing was going on!  Right?

We talked a lot.  One day we met up at Stony and walked the trails.  It was nice to spend time with someone who knew me, understood me, allowed me to cry, vent and just try to forget what was going on in my life.  And, plus, he was "seeing" someone, so nothing was going on!

After I decided that Jesse and I were done and there was no fixing it, I remember looking forward to texts and phone calls from Steve.  The girls at work had a field day making fun of me for what would happen when I talked about Steve.  I kept telling them that nothing was going on.  I think a lot of that was trying to convince myself that nothing was going on.  But, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, something was happening.  The kicker for me was, one night Steve and I were talking and I remember him saying, "Some thing's different about you."  I had no idea what he was talking about.  "You sound happy again," he said.

Why was I sounding so happy?  What was different? I realized it was that I was looking forward to his calls, his texts, and seeing him.  I was falling for him.  That scared the daylights out of me.  I journaled.  This was when Jesse started stealing my pages from my journal.  I remember writing and pleading with God to help me to see if my feelings were from Him or something I should try to avoid.  I talked to my counselor about my feelings.  I tried to push them away, but it was hard to deny.

Then Steve told me he broke things off with his "friend."  He was single.  UGH!!  Now, it was impossible.  After I filed, I decided to see what would happen.  In my heart, my marriage was over, but I was scared of starting something with a friend.  And, plus, I didn't even know if the feelings were mutual.

One day, we went to Stony, again, to walk the trails. While we were walking, we somehow wound up holding hands.  That was the beginning of us.  Things just happened from there.  I was terrified.  This was my friend.  I didn't expect or even imagine something like this could've happened.  But, at the same time, this was my friend and I would always wonder what could've been.

Jesse kept trying to "catch" me.  I didn't understand what his issue was.  We were getting divorced.  He never stopped seeing Sarah.  What the heck did he care what I was doing?  Steve and I took things slow, but it was very hard to take things super slow with someone you've known since high school.

We began dating, but it was on the down low.  We started dating in June.  We've been dating ever since.  My divorce was finally final this week.  I'm so excited to put the past behind me and focus on my future.  I don't know what that future is, but I'm very happy where I am now.  I've never been in a relationship like this.  I think because we were such good friends for so long, and have seen each other through so much life before we got together, it really set the foundation for our relationship.

I'm so happy and hopeful. A year ago, I never thought I could be happy again.  I never thought I'd be in love again, let alone trust someone.  Things are really looking up for me.  Emily's 15 months old.  She's doing great.  I can't wait to start posting things about my life now and really put the past behind me, where it belongs.  My focus is my future and what's to come.  I'm not looking in the rearview mirror any more.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  As much as I hate what happened to me last March, I'm so glad it did.  I am in a better place and have the option to have the life I've always dreamed of.  Here's to my future!!