Part 2

So, Part 1 was basically Monday.  The day I thought was the worst day of my life.  That is until Tuesday came along, but I'll get there in a bit.

I took Tuesday off work.  I knew there was no way I'd be able to manage being at work.  Jesse and I took the dogs and Em for a walk.  I think I was numbing it all. I kept thinking that we had to stay together.  Emily wasn't officially ours.  I began to think that this would be our story.  You know, the story every couple has that marks how strong they are!

Jesse went to work shortly after, and I spent the whole day home with Emily wondering how we'd get through this. How could this happen?  I couldn't wait for him to get home to make the call so we could begin to heal.  The minute he walked in, I said, "okay, are you ready?"  I think he thought I'd forget or something?!  But as soon as he walked in, I was on him.  I made him put her on speaker phone.  I wanted to hear her voice.  I listened as he called and told her that he was sorry, but he couldn't talk to her anymore.  He said that he was going to work things out with me.  She sounded upset and hung up on him.  I felt relieved.  I didn't know how, but it was time to move past.

As he hung up the phone, I sat next to him and told him, it would be hard for me to trust him again, but somehow we'd get through it.  That was when the story got worse, much worse!  He started talking about leading double lives.  I thought he was referring to my friend from church.  I was so confused.  It was like the room started spinning.  I asked him to tell me what he meant.  I wasn't understanding.  And then it all became crystal clear, "This isn't the first time I've cheated on you!"  WHAT?!  What did you just say?!  I asked him what the hell he was talking about.  That's when he revealed that he had cheated on me throughout our whole relationship.  He cheated on me with some chick at State when he would go up to see Jeff in college and then came the worst part.  He cheated on me with a hoebag that he used to work at Fin-tini's with and then he cheated on me with a friend while we were married!  I was sick to my stomach.  I still don't know how I didn't throw up?!  I started throwing picture frames around the house screaming that none of the memories were real!  I asked him how he could do it?!  Why?  He gave me some bogus line about infertility and then when I would threaten that if he didn't adopt, I'd have to leave because I wanted to be a mom, it made him hurt and that he lost me, so he cheated on me.

I called my friend Stacie.  She came right over.  I was a wreck.  This was devastating.  My entire relationship and marriage were a lie!  We had gone to counseling together for years!  All the while I was always the focus.  I was always the one who needed the work.  We went to church together.  We just got baptized together 6 months prior!  What the hell?

When Stacie got there, I kicked him out.  I told him to leave.  I was so heartbroken, lost, scared.  Scared because how could I ever trust him now?  Scared because how could I divorce him before our adoption was final?  Scared because how could God give me my precious baby girl only to have my life shattered 4 months later?  I cried all night.  I didn't sleep much at all.  I tried calling him, I don't know why, but I did.  He wouldn't answer.  I remember just watching the tv and checking my phone throughout the whole night.  I slept a bit, but not much.  I remember thinking, "my life is a Lifetime movie!"

I was shocked.  Needless to say, I took Wednesday off work.  I went to see someone at church.  I asked Jesse to go with me, but he wouldn't go with me.  The pastor gave me a rock and told me the story of Samuel.  He told me to cling to God.  God would give me the answers I needed.  No one can give me the answers except for Him.  I went to read the bible and be alone at the park.  What the heck had happened to my life?

Jesse never came back home after that night.  I didn't want him to.  He would come home during the day to watch Emily, but every night was alone.  He never came home.  I'll fill you in more what happened in the weeks and months that followed.  Some trivia that I thought was weird was this last girl he cheated on me with worked at a hair salon just 2 doors down from the pizzeria.  No wonder he wasn't excited when I offered to come to the pizzeria to help out!  His affair would be over.

Okay, that's all I can write about today.

Not Sure Where to Begin Part 1

Before I start, I have spent the past 2 days trying to change my fonts!  I'm getting very frustrated.  Anyone remember how?  I can't do it and it's really annoying me!!  Ugh...  Anywho...

Okay, I don't know where this all will go, but here I go...

Last year around this time, I was really struggling.  I had just gone back to work after spending 2 1/2 months off being home with Emily.  I was beginning to resent Jesse because, I felt, if he had another job, I'd be able to stay home.  I recognized this and spoke with some friends at work about it.  I didn't want to mention it to him because I knew he'd be upset.

Superbowl, last year, he and I got into a huge fight where it all came out!  That day changed a lot.  Things were never the same with us.  He didn't come home after work, he went over his sisters house to watch the game.  When he got home, it was late and I had to work.  We didn't talk much.

I did some real soul searching and decided that most of our issues were stemming from money.  My friend was just starting a business with Premiere jewelry, so I thought maybe I could do that on the side to help bring in some money.  I also spoke to him about working with him at the pizzeria.  When I told him, I thought this was the perfect way for me to show that I was supportive of him and that we were in this together.  He told me he'd have to think about it.

Then a week or so later, one night he didn't come home.  It was 4 in the morning.  He wasn't answering his phone.  I had called his mom to see if she knew.  Nothing.  I was scared.  I called the cops.  I didn't know what else to do.  I'll never forget when the cop asked, "are you having marital issues?"  I thought no, we're not that couple.  Something's happened!  A short while later, but before the cops came, Jesse called me back.  He said he drove to the Zilwaukee bridge and needed some time to think.  Of course his phone died and he had no charger.  Convenient!

A few weeks later, we got into a HUGE fight one Friday morning before I went to work.  I'm talking HUGE fight.  So bad that I took my ring off and left for work.  I had NEVER done that.  That evening we went to his parents house for his sister's birthday dinner.  I can't remember what time it was, maybe 10 or 11, I decided to take Emily home.  I thought he would leave with me, but instead, he told me he'd be home shortly.  As I was driving away, I saw him grab another beer and I knew he wasn't going to be home anytime soon.  It was late when he got home and we continued to fight until the early morning.  I was so hurt.  We had just had the hugest fight in the history of us and he didn't want to come home to figure things out?!  I went to bed defeated and crushed.  What was happening to us, I began to wonder?

Throughout this rocky time, he had become very weird with his cell phone.  We used to be the couple that when we'd come home, we'd throw them on the counter or charge them in the kitchen.  Now, he was charging it right next to him.  One night he slept with it.  The weirdest thing was, one day I had to call our babysitter.  My phone was just about dead, so I asked to borrow his.  Instead of giving me the phone, he took the battery out and gave me the battery!  I kept checking his phone when it'd be laying around.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I kept checking nonetheless.

So that same weekend we had gotten into the huge fight on Friday and we were up late on Friday night, I worked at church that Sunday.  The service was amazing.  It was about this guy who had done so much to try to gain material things, that his wife left and his family crumbled. (was God trying to tell me something?)  Then came the weirdest part of the weekend was, I worked with this lady, Renee.  She, for some reason, decided to tell me this story about her first husband.  How one day, shortly after she had her second son, this person came to the door and told her he was leading a double life.  She confronted her husband about it and they were supposed to go to counseling.  She went to the counselor, but he never showed.  Later, she learned that he had taken his life.  She told me that she was in the lowest of lows, but she leaned on God throughout.  She had, since, found a new husband and, although, her new husband and her had separated for year, they were better than ever and God was a big part of their lives.  I thought this was so weird and told Jesse about it. (Looking back, God really WAS trying to tell me something that day!)

That night, we went out to dinner and when we came back, we were both in Emily's room.  I was saying her prayers for the night sobbing about how I wanted my family back and I didn't know what was going on, but I wanted our normal back.  Jesse held me as I was praying over her.  Tears falling onto my glasses and onto her.  Emily needed some milk, so Jesse went to the store that night to get some.  We went to bed and I was so hopeful that we had reached a turning point in our relationship.  I woke up the next morning and we were intimate.  The first time in months.  I was so hopeful, but I still couldn't understand what was happening to us?

When Jesse went to get Em's milk that night, he took my car.  I knew that I had to find his phone.  I knew he wouldn't have left it in my car.  I don't know why I was in such a zone to find the phone, but I was.  I knew I had to find something in that phone, and, boy, was I right.  I found the phone.  At 6:32, the same time I was intimate with him, "Sarah" texted him- "Good night  I love you"  I felt like I was in a movie.  WHAT?  I took the phone upstairs.  I threw the phone at him and shouted, "Who the *#$% is Sarah?!"  He jumped out of bed.  It's a "friend"!  A friend I had never met.  I had a couple guy friends from high school that we said I love you back and forth, but some chick I had never met is saying I love you!  I don't think so!  I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown in my kitchen, screaming at him, crying, shaking.  My world was falling apart.  I didn't know what else to do, so I went to work!  But before I left, I called my counselor.  I'll never forget the words, "Dr. Pillow, I just found out Jesse's cheating on me!!"

I talked to him the whole drive to work.  The story went from nothing happened, to we kissed once!  I couldn't teach!  I don't know what I was thinking going to work.  My friends took my kids and I proceeded to scream, cry and breakdown on my cell phone with Jesse.  At lunch, my friend, Stacie came and said, "you can't be here.  I'm taking you home."  I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in her basement sobbing.  Jesse wanted to meet with me before our 7 o'clock appointment, but I told him either you come to Stacie's to talk or I'll see you at the counselor.  I wanted when I saw him next to be with people.  I didn't want him talking his way out of this.

When we got to the counselor, I can't remember exactly what was said, but I do remember our counselor looking at him like who the hell is this man?!  We had been going to see him together for the past 3 years!  One thing I remember him asking Jesse was, "can it be ended?"  Jesse said yes, she didn't mean that much to him.  He would end it.  I thought it would be that night, but Jesse said that he would do it on Tuesday night, the next day, because that was when he and she used to spend time together.  I thought it was weird, but thought ok?

I obviously took the next day off.  What the hell had happened to my life?  If I thought Monday was bad...Tuesday kicked my butt!