Alone Then...Alone Now

I was married for almost 10 years.  I was alone most of those years.  I was alone because my husband was a restaurant owner and spent a lot of time at his work.  (Or, that was what I was told.)  Anywho... I was alone for majority of my marriage.  There were many vacations, holidays, family outings (I could go on and on) that I was by myself.  At the time, I thought I was being a supportive wife allowing my husband to take care of us by making the connections to make his business grow.

As a result of this, I became the type of woman that felt I could do it all on my own.  I didn't NEED him, I was lucky to have him, is what I thought.  I didn't have to rush home to be with anyone.  I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased.  If I wanted to go to the gym when I was done with work, he wouldn't be home, so there was no need to check in with him.  I just went.  I did what I wanted when I wanted.  As you can see, it wasn't really a marriage in the sense of spending life together.

Going through the divorce was sad.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.  I hate failing, but I also knew it was the best thing for Emily and myself.  I'm also the type of person that once I make my mind up about something, I'm full steam ahead and don't look back.  I was sad, I was alone, but it wasn't any different for me.  I was alone all the time.  In all honesty, the divorce was very refreshing and liberating.  I spent my entire marriage catering to everything my husband wanted.  He wanted to open a new business, that's what we did.  I sacrificed a lot in the name of my marriage.  After I learned nothing I knew was real or what I thought it was, getting divorced was renewing in the sense that I could start living my life for what I wanted and I could rebuild.

When Steve and I started dating, it was hard for me to get used to the fact that I was with someone who really wanted to be with me.  He wanted to open doors for me.  He would get so mad at me that I would always open a door to a building or my car door.  It took many discussions of him telling him that it wasn't that I didn't appreciate what he was doing, it was just that I'd never had that and it didn't even cross my mind that a guy would WANT to do that for me.  There were many times that I said, I have to run here or there and Steve would ask, "do you want me to come?"  That blew my mind.  He WANTED to go to the store with me.  He WANTED to spend time with me.  He WANTED to take care of me.  It was so weird to me.

Weird, yes, but I got used to it.  I finally had a partner in life.  Someone who wanted to be with me.  He would suffer through runs with me outside, while I would fumble my way through learning how to ride the trails at Stony (something I am still learning.)

The other day, Steve and I were texting during the morning, but then my afternoon was crazy.  I had an IEP with parents, then I had to rush my kids out for recess and then I rushed to a staff meeting that went 20 minutes past.  By the time I left, I had to rush to get Emily and then had grocery shopping and dinner to make.  It was a stressful day to say the least.  When I got to the car, I noticed I had 3 missed FaceTime calls, a few texts and an email.  He was worried about me.  He hadn't heard from me.  He's across an ocean from me and he wanted to know I was okay.  We had a few heated texts back and forth, but in the end, he simply said, "Call when you get home.  I want to see your face before I go to bed."

Some people may think this is ridiculous and appalled that we are so close, but I find it endearing and I really feel like I'm with someone who loves both Emily and me more than I ever dreamed, he worries about us and he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

As weird as it is, Steve and I have only been together for a year and a half, but this separation is much harder for me.  Maybe it's because I know that he is the person I'm meant to be with and truly my other half. I'm not sure, but I also know that this distance will help us and make us stronger.  Being alone now is harder than it ever was, but it will make us both so appreciative and grateful for the time we have together when he gets home!

Every Day is DEFINITELY a Winding Road...

It's been quite awhile since I last blogged.  So much in my life has changed.  I can't even begin to think of my "old" life.  I'm so much better.  I'm so much healthier.  I'm so much happier.

Steve and I have been together for about a year and a half.  I still can't believe how wonderful our relationship is.  I mean it's not all roses and sunshine, but the way we work through issues is just so healthy!  I truly believe he is the perfect match for me.

A couple weeks ago, my dreams came true.  On Saturday, March 22, 2014, I became engaged to my best friend and I couldn't be happier or more excited to live the rest of my life beside him.  We decided to go for a walk at Stony since the snow was melting.  The only problem was the snow was melting everywhere but Stony Creek.  We started walking the snow was so deep still and there was still icy spots from the snow beginning to melt.  I had also gone for a run in the morning, so I was just hoping for a nice walk, not a tough workout!  But, I kept trucking.  We kept walking and walking and walking.  At one point, I told Steve I was tired and he looked to our right and said, "you see that hill?"  "Yep!" I thought, "so what?"  Then he said, "I think we have to walk up it!"

I started whining about how tired I was, but kept on going.  We started up the hill and we walked halfway up and were looking down the sides.  I noticed a bench at the top so I told him I'd meet him at the top.  He walked up behind me and hugged me.  Then he walked around in front of me and I got up and gave him a real hug.  I just hugged him close.  Then he said, "I have a question for you."  So we were looking into each other's eyes, nose to nose.  Then he asked, "Will you marry me?"  I, of course, said, "yes" and then he had the ring and I started crying.  We had designed the ring, but I hadn't seen it completed.  I only saw the wax mold which doesn't give you a good idea at all!!  I put it on and my crabbiness disappeared.  I am engaged to my soulmate.  The man, I believe with all my heart, I was made for!

The hills, the snow and my sore legs didn't matter anymore.  I was engaged and my smile wouldn't go away for anything!!  We had already decided to go out to a nice dinner and were staying at the Royal Park for a little going away getaway before Steve left for Germany, but now it became a little celebration for the two of us.  Happiness can't even begin to tell you how happy I am!

Then on April 1, he left to go to Germany for work.  I went from the highest of highs to the lowest lows.  I miss him so much, but I know that it's not forever.  It's hard to be away from him!!  Every day's a winding road...

So Much To Say...

Christmas Eve is here today and I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted.  Not because I don't have anything to say, but probably a little bit of fear.  So much has changed in my life and I'm a little afraid to be happy with it.  I keep doubting myself.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I mean, true happiness can't be mine, can it?

I think about all I've come through and all I've overcome and I still doubt myself.  I don't doubt myself in the area of making the right or wrong choice anymore.  I know leaving my dysfunctional marriage was the best thing for me...and Emily, but I doubt myself in other ways.

I doubt myself in my career.  Can I really keep doing this job?  Is this really the career God wants me to do?  There must be something better for me.

I doubt myself as a mother. Emily has her moments when she tests me or can be a top notch brat and I wonder am I really doing a good job?  Is she going to be a good girl?  Will she grow up to love God?  Am I showing her the "right" way?

I doubt myself in my relationship.  Does Steve really love me?  Can this be real to be this happy and natural with someone?  Will he leave me too?

I don't really have an answer for myself today other than I believe these feelings are all normal and I've got to remember who to look for during these times of doubt.  I won't find the answers asking friends or watching tv.  I have to look to God and have Him help me to discern what the right answer is.  Right now I have a lot of uncertainty.  I just realize now that I need to get back in with God and trust Him.  He's gotten me this far...I'm not going to stop now!

Some Reflecting...

I don't know why, but I've really been thinking about all I've been through in the past year and a half.  Back in March, 2012, when my life was falling apart, I never imagined I'd be able to pick myself up.  I never thought I'd be able to trust again.  I never thought I'd be able to be a single mom.  But, now 18 months later, I am feeling so much better than I ever dreamed.

With that being said, I've really been thinking about what Jesse did to me.  I've been thinking about how disgusting some people are.  Two of the "women" (I use this term loosely and would really like to call them something else) were people I knew.  One a girl who worked at the restaurant with him that I hated.  She was so gross to me.  Such a hoebag.  One year, for Halloween, she was a Corona bottle.  Except for the fact that she wore nothing but paint on her upper half...The other was a friend.  Someone I loved and worked with for a long time.  The thing that's been getting me is how could someone do that.  How was it when they were done doing what they did?  Did they look at each other in shame?  Did they laugh?  Did they feel good, bad?  Even more disturbingly, especially for my "friend," how the hell did you face me and fake it.

I'll never be able to wrap my mind around how Jesse was able to do it.  I strongly believe he did it our entire relationship, so he'd become very used to it.

I just don't get it?!  How could people do that?  What disturbs me even more is that people in Jesse's life think I was the cheater!!  Steve and I started dating shortly after I had filed and Jesse made it seem like I was the reason my marriage ended.  That used to bother me and it does a little still.  But I know the truth, so does God and so does Jesse.  Jesse has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know in his heart, he is the reason he lost his family.

I know I'm in such a better place.  I have a boyfriend who loves me so much.  He tells me numerous times a day!  He takes care of Emily and me and he wants a good life for all of us.  He does so much for me and I love him so much.

As much as all the crap hurt that I went through, my old life seems like a lifetime ago. It feels like a distant dream.  I have the relationship I've always fantasized about.  I have the daughter I have wished and hoped for.  I try not to look back in the rearview mirror, but sometimes you have to in order to see how far you've come and how much you never want to go back!

Never a Dull Moment...

Steve has been waiting for his company to hire him full-time as an official employee.  I've been bugging him to send his resume out to put some pressure on the company.  He's been done with school since April.  They have been stringing him along in hopes that they got a new Civic account.  The account, however, fell through and Civic went with another supplier.  So, his boss told him they have the possibility of something else for him.  It would be a 2 year contract deal, which would include 8 months here, 8 months in either Japan, Germany or Mexico and then the last 8 months here.

My stomach instantly dropped.  Seriously?!  EIGHT MONTHS!  That stinks.  I instantly told him I don't want him to do it.  But then he started telling me all the "benefits" of the job.  While he's gone, he won't have to pay for anything but food and spending.  His rent and car will be taken care of and when he finishes the two year fulfillment, he'll be promoted and get a raise.  He said it's the fastest way for him to grow in the company, which would allow us to start our life together.

I don't want him to go, but I do want to support him.  He was there for me every step of the way through my mess.  I want to support him.  I want him to know that we can do this and get through this.  I keep telling myself 8 months is a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the rest of our lives.  I know we could do it, it would just be hard.  I don't want to be without him!!

UGH!  Why can't it all work out nicely and easily?  Guess God wants to make me stronger!

Feeling Blue

I am feeling very lost in my friendships with my friends.  I have spent so much time over the past year working on all that was going on and dealing with my issues, I feel my friendships have suffered.

I used to be so close to all my friends.  I had circles of friends that were high school friends, work friends, church friends and now I just feel so disconnected.

Steve and I were talking about when we get married who we'd have stand up.  Other than my sister and a couple cousins, I really don't have anyone that I feel super close to anymore.  It makes me sad.  I don't feel like I have the friendships I once had.  Some of it is due to growing apart, some of it is due to differences, some of it is due to stupid things...It just sucks.  I miss having someone I can pick up the phone and just talk with. I'm having problems with Emily behaving.  She keeps throwing things and whines whenever she wants something.  I'm working so hard to try to rear her with good Christian values.

Other than Steve and my family, I just feel so alone lately.  Sorry to be such a downer, just feeling blue...

Never Again

On Father's Day, I was talking with my dad about my wedding ring.  I gave it to him to hold on to until I was able to sell it.  A few days before Father's Day, I realized giving my ring to my forgetful Dad was probably not the best choice.  We were talking about it at lunch.  As we were talking, I said, "Next time I'll know not to give you my ring."

Steve heard that and said, "There will never be a next time."  I just continued on and we all finished lunch.  Later, on the way back, I brought it up again and asked him what he meant.  He said that he can't wait to marry me and when he does, there will never be a divorce!

I know that what happened between Steve and I happened rather quickly, but we have known each other forever.  We have been friends for a long time and I love him so much.  I don't know what or when things will happen for Steve and me, but I am so happy.

I feel so content with my life.  I have my baby girl.  I have a relationship I have always dreamed of.  I'm okay with whatever life throws my way.  I told Steve that I love him and I just want to be with him.  I would love more children, but I don't NEED more children.  I want to marry him, but I don't NEED to rush things.  Timelines used to be a HUGE thing with Jesse and me.  I was always hung up on WHEN things would happen and I thought I needed them to happen in my time.  It's so refreshing to be in a relationship that I am just so happy and at peace with where we are.