Anxious

So I've been pretty laid back and not so spazzy since Steve and I started dating. It was weird when I was with Jesse I was always so worried about timing of everything and wore a watch all the time and just was always on edge. Ironically enough after I filed and Steve and I started dating, my watch broke and I never replaced. Life has been so refreshing and easy with Steve. But lately I feel like wedding planning is turning me into a lunatic. I mean a real crazy ass. 

Steve and I both agree that we want to keep it smaller and we don't want to spend a fortune to have a wedding. It's a day and we would like to buy a house with new furniture.  We're trying to be responsible and realize it's not worth it in the long run. I was really hoping for a destination wedding. I thought it would be the cheapest option but it's not looking that way. 

I had a meltdown yesterday and after we hung up, I really tried to soul search about why I was so upset. I want some aspects of a traditional wedding. Some aspects, I couldn't care less!  I want my dress. I found it, I love it, I want to look beautiful for Steve. I want a first dance for he and I, Emily and Steve and for us as a family. I want family and friends there. But I struggle with that because my dad is one of 12. We have a huge family. Can I just invite cousins that I talk to?  Is that rude?  My younger cousin got married last summer and I don't think he invited too many cousins, or aunts and uncles for that matter, but I don't know if or how to do that?  That causes me a lot of anxiety. 

Steve and I tabled wedding talk for the day yesterday and I apologized and really need to work on letting it go and not feeling pressure of everyone else's idea of what we need to do and figure out what works for Steve and me!  I think a lot of things are playing into my stress. I'm really missing him a lot. It's hard to plan a wedding with your fiancé on the other side of the world. I'm excited but nervous for our trip next week. I just want him home. I've got to refocus everything and stop and breathe. It'll all work out. In the end all that matters is Steve, Emily and I becoming a family. How it happens is just a minor detail. 

How Ironic

This blog was originally started as a place for me to vent about life as an infertile woman.  It helped me through such hard, lonely, sad times.  It obviously evolved as my life changed.  I have experienced many changes over the past 3 years.  Highs and lows.  But nothing in the world could prepare me for how I changed with my outlook on family and love.

For many years, I believed that nothing would complete me other than being a Mom.  When I was married to Jesse, I couldn't imagine living my life not being a Mom.  Thank God for that because I wouldn't have Emily without my drive and determination to become a Mom.  For a LONG time, I dealt with the grief of never being a pregnant Mommy.  I came to realize that becoming a Mommy was more important than growing a baby, but there is always this deep down longing to be pregnant and have a baby that way.

That was before.  That was before I had everything in life I could ever want.  I truly feel that when I was married to Jesse I was always searching to fill some void.  Even though I never realized it then, something was missing.  That was before.

Today, I have everything I could ever want.  I have my baby girl that I could not imagine my life without.  I have a job that I love and allows me to do what I enjoy and be able to be home certain times of the year.  I now have the love of my life.  I really know that I am with the man who I was made for.  I have everything I've ever wanted with him.  I have a man who loves me and adores me, at my best and at my worst.  He loves my daughter as much as I do.  He has a job that helps provide for us.  We enjoy doing things together; things I love, things he loves, things we love.  He worries about us, he takes care of us and he makes me want to be a better "wife", mom, teacher and person.  We have a healthy, loving, giving relationship that just works.  It doesn't take a lot of work to be with someone that I've cared about for so many years, it's just a natural love.

The weirdest and most beautiful thing about this relationship is I don't need anything more.  I have all I have ever wanted.  I can't wait to marry him and become a family with the three of us.  Over the past few months, I've come to realize that I'm so content, but not in a bad way.  I'm happy where my life is.  We have it all.  We have our family, we have each other, we have our time as a family and our time alone.  We talked about future children and both of us are open to it, but both of us also believe we have all we ever need or want with what we have.

That feels so weird for me to type.  I'm not saying if we were to have a baby I wouldn't be happy, but I don't NEED a baby.  It feels so weird for me, but it's truly how I feel.  I, for the first time in my life, am not wanting more than what I have today.  I have it all.  I really do and I just feel so blessed.  Life is good.

Alone Then...Alone Now

I was married for almost 10 years.  I was alone most of those years.  I was alone because my husband was a restaurant owner and spent a lot of time at his work.  (Or, that was what I was told.)  Anywho... I was alone for majority of my marriage.  There were many vacations, holidays, family outings (I could go on and on) that I was by myself.  At the time, I thought I was being a supportive wife allowing my husband to take care of us by making the connections to make his business grow.

As a result of this, I became the type of woman that felt I could do it all on my own.  I didn't NEED him, I was lucky to have him, is what I thought.  I didn't have to rush home to be with anyone.  I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased.  If I wanted to go to the gym when I was done with work, he wouldn't be home, so there was no need to check in with him.  I just went.  I did what I wanted when I wanted.  As you can see, it wasn't really a marriage in the sense of spending life together.

Going through the divorce was sad.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.  I hate failing, but I also knew it was the best thing for Emily and myself.  I'm also the type of person that once I make my mind up about something, I'm full steam ahead and don't look back.  I was sad, I was alone, but it wasn't any different for me.  I was alone all the time.  In all honesty, the divorce was very refreshing and liberating.  I spent my entire marriage catering to everything my husband wanted.  He wanted to open a new business, that's what we did.  I sacrificed a lot in the name of my marriage.  After I learned nothing I knew was real or what I thought it was, getting divorced was renewing in the sense that I could start living my life for what I wanted and I could rebuild.

When Steve and I started dating, it was hard for me to get used to the fact that I was with someone who really wanted to be with me.  He wanted to open doors for me.  He would get so mad at me that I would always open a door to a building or my car door.  It took many discussions of him telling him that it wasn't that I didn't appreciate what he was doing, it was just that I'd never had that and it didn't even cross my mind that a guy would WANT to do that for me.  There were many times that I said, I have to run here or there and Steve would ask, "do you want me to come?"  That blew my mind.  He WANTED to go to the store with me.  He WANTED to spend time with me.  He WANTED to take care of me.  It was so weird to me.

Weird, yes, but I got used to it.  I finally had a partner in life.  Someone who wanted to be with me.  He would suffer through runs with me outside, while I would fumble my way through learning how to ride the trails at Stony (something I am still learning.)

The other day, Steve and I were texting during the morning, but then my afternoon was crazy.  I had an IEP with parents, then I had to rush my kids out for recess and then I rushed to a staff meeting that went 20 minutes past.  By the time I left, I had to rush to get Emily and then had grocery shopping and dinner to make.  It was a stressful day to say the least.  When I got to the car, I noticed I had 3 missed FaceTime calls, a few texts and an email.  He was worried about me.  He hadn't heard from me.  He's across an ocean from me and he wanted to know I was okay.  We had a few heated texts back and forth, but in the end, he simply said, "Call when you get home.  I want to see your face before I go to bed."

Some people may think this is ridiculous and appalled that we are so close, but I find it endearing and I really feel like I'm with someone who loves both Emily and me more than I ever dreamed, he worries about us and he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

As weird as it is, Steve and I have only been together for a year and a half, but this separation is much harder for me.  Maybe it's because I know that he is the person I'm meant to be with and truly my other half. I'm not sure, but I also know that this distance will help us and make us stronger.  Being alone now is harder than it ever was, but it will make us both so appreciative and grateful for the time we have together when he gets home!

Every Day is DEFINITELY a Winding Road...

It's been quite awhile since I last blogged.  So much in my life has changed.  I can't even begin to think of my "old" life.  I'm so much better.  I'm so much healthier.  I'm so much happier.

Steve and I have been together for about a year and a half.  I still can't believe how wonderful our relationship is.  I mean it's not all roses and sunshine, but the way we work through issues is just so healthy!  I truly believe he is the perfect match for me.

A couple weeks ago, my dreams came true.  On Saturday, March 22, 2014, I became engaged to my best friend and I couldn't be happier or more excited to live the rest of my life beside him.  We decided to go for a walk at Stony since the snow was melting.  The only problem was the snow was melting everywhere but Stony Creek.  We started walking the snow was so deep still and there was still icy spots from the snow beginning to melt.  I had also gone for a run in the morning, so I was just hoping for a nice walk, not a tough workout!  But, I kept trucking.  We kept walking and walking and walking.  At one point, I told Steve I was tired and he looked to our right and said, "you see that hill?"  "Yep!" I thought, "so what?"  Then he said, "I think we have to walk up it!"

I started whining about how tired I was, but kept on going.  We started up the hill and we walked halfway up and were looking down the sides.  I noticed a bench at the top so I told him I'd meet him at the top.  He walked up behind me and hugged me.  Then he walked around in front of me and I got up and gave him a real hug.  I just hugged him close.  Then he said, "I have a question for you."  So we were looking into each other's eyes, nose to nose.  Then he asked, "Will you marry me?"  I, of course, said, "yes" and then he had the ring and I started crying.  We had designed the ring, but I hadn't seen it completed.  I only saw the wax mold which doesn't give you a good idea at all!!  I put it on and my crabbiness disappeared.  I am engaged to my soulmate.  The man, I believe with all my heart, I was made for!

The hills, the snow and my sore legs didn't matter anymore.  I was engaged and my smile wouldn't go away for anything!!  We had already decided to go out to a nice dinner and were staying at the Royal Park for a little going away getaway before Steve left for Germany, but now it became a little celebration for the two of us.  Happiness can't even begin to tell you how happy I am!

Then on April 1, he left to go to Germany for work.  I went from the highest of highs to the lowest lows.  I miss him so much, but I know that it's not forever.  It's hard to be away from him!!  Every day's a winding road...

So Much To Say...

Christmas Eve is here today and I realize it's been FOREVER since I've posted.  Not because I don't have anything to say, but probably a little bit of fear.  So much has changed in my life and I'm a little afraid to be happy with it.  I keep doubting myself.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I mean, true happiness can't be mine, can it?

I think about all I've come through and all I've overcome and I still doubt myself.  I don't doubt myself in the area of making the right or wrong choice anymore.  I know leaving my dysfunctional marriage was the best thing for me...and Emily, but I doubt myself in other ways.

I doubt myself in my career.  Can I really keep doing this job?  Is this really the career God wants me to do?  There must be something better for me.

I doubt myself as a mother. Emily has her moments when she tests me or can be a top notch brat and I wonder am I really doing a good job?  Is she going to be a good girl?  Will she grow up to love God?  Am I showing her the "right" way?

I doubt myself in my relationship.  Does Steve really love me?  Can this be real to be this happy and natural with someone?  Will he leave me too?

I don't really have an answer for myself today other than I believe these feelings are all normal and I've got to remember who to look for during these times of doubt.  I won't find the answers asking friends or watching tv.  I have to look to God and have Him help me to discern what the right answer is.  Right now I have a lot of uncertainty.  I just realize now that I need to get back in with God and trust Him.  He's gotten me this far...I'm not going to stop now!

Some Reflecting...

I don't know why, but I've really been thinking about all I've been through in the past year and a half.  Back in March, 2012, when my life was falling apart, I never imagined I'd be able to pick myself up.  I never thought I'd be able to trust again.  I never thought I'd be able to be a single mom.  But, now 18 months later, I am feeling so much better than I ever dreamed.

With that being said, I've really been thinking about what Jesse did to me.  I've been thinking about how disgusting some people are.  Two of the "women" (I use this term loosely and would really like to call them something else) were people I knew.  One a girl who worked at the restaurant with him that I hated.  She was so gross to me.  Such a hoebag.  One year, for Halloween, she was a Corona bottle.  Except for the fact that she wore nothing but paint on her upper half...The other was a friend.  Someone I loved and worked with for a long time.  The thing that's been getting me is how could someone do that.  How was it when they were done doing what they did?  Did they look at each other in shame?  Did they laugh?  Did they feel good, bad?  Even more disturbingly, especially for my "friend," how the hell did you face me and fake it.

I'll never be able to wrap my mind around how Jesse was able to do it.  I strongly believe he did it our entire relationship, so he'd become very used to it.

I just don't get it?!  How could people do that?  What disturbs me even more is that people in Jesse's life think I was the cheater!!  Steve and I started dating shortly after I had filed and Jesse made it seem like I was the reason my marriage ended.  That used to bother me and it does a little still.  But I know the truth, so does God and so does Jesse.  Jesse has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know in his heart, he is the reason he lost his family.

I know I'm in such a better place.  I have a boyfriend who loves me so much.  He tells me numerous times a day!  He takes care of Emily and me and he wants a good life for all of us.  He does so much for me and I love him so much.

As much as all the crap hurt that I went through, my old life seems like a lifetime ago. It feels like a distant dream.  I have the relationship I've always fantasized about.  I have the daughter I have wished and hoped for.  I try not to look back in the rearview mirror, but sometimes you have to in order to see how far you've come and how much you never want to go back!

Never a Dull Moment...

Steve has been waiting for his company to hire him full-time as an official employee.  I've been bugging him to send his resume out to put some pressure on the company.  He's been done with school since April.  They have been stringing him along in hopes that they got a new Civic account.  The account, however, fell through and Civic went with another supplier.  So, his boss told him they have the possibility of something else for him.  It would be a 2 year contract deal, which would include 8 months here, 8 months in either Japan, Germany or Mexico and then the last 8 months here.

My stomach instantly dropped.  Seriously?!  EIGHT MONTHS!  That stinks.  I instantly told him I don't want him to do it.  But then he started telling me all the "benefits" of the job.  While he's gone, he won't have to pay for anything but food and spending.  His rent and car will be taken care of and when he finishes the two year fulfillment, he'll be promoted and get a raise.  He said it's the fastest way for him to grow in the company, which would allow us to start our life together.

I don't want him to go, but I do want to support him.  He was there for me every step of the way through my mess.  I want to support him.  I want him to know that we can do this and get through this.  I keep telling myself 8 months is a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the rest of our lives.  I know we could do it, it would just be hard.  I don't want to be without him!!

UGH!  Why can't it all work out nicely and easily?  Guess God wants to make me stronger!